Putting my best foot forward (now my left)

WARNING: Gross stuff ensues. Do not read right before, or right after, eating. Unless it's a cucumber. All readers may continue when the font reverts back to Georgia (this font) in black (this color).

The waiting room of any medical building always is filled with a sense of suspicion, of guilt. Everyone waiting for the doctor, for his turn, for his chance at physical redemption. While he waits, everyone stares at each other, their eyes asking, projecting their uncertainties onto others. Prisonmates. What're ya in for? What'd they getcha for? What's wrong with you? And then the time comes, when you are escorted in, to see the doc, the warden, leaving their questioning behind.

Forgive the rambling prose, but that's what I was thinking as I sat in the waiting room of the Beit Shean hospital waiting room. I had an appointment to have an infected toenail treated, and while I waited, I observed everyone else, trying to guess from what they were suffering.

I've had this problem for a good two months. It never stopped me from playing basketball, but all the same, I wanted to treat it already. So I made an appointment with the doctor, but since he was only available on Mondays, it took a month to get an appointment. So here I was, having a medical examination in Hebrew, which I actually understood.

The procedure wasn't that bad; the whole infected nail of my right big toe was removed after the doctor inserted three shots of anesthesia into it. Afterwards, the doctors thought I was halucinating, when all I was doing was practicing some breathing techniques that I learned in drama and karate. Thank goodness I don't know, nor will ever need to know, Lamaze. The procedure was fine, though it's panging a bit now.

I was discharged shortly thereafter, and was told to keep my foot elevated today, change the bandage daily, and wait for the nail to grow back in two or three months. For now, I limp along.

Ewwwww! Gross! Icky! Who would want to read that? Well, you were warned!

Today was Rosh Chodesh, and I went to davenning. Yes, I went to davenning! My suitemates were ribbing me, as all six of us were at davenning for the first time in a while, but I didn't let it get to me.

What else? Learned about majorities and status (whatever that means), read more of Rav Joseph Soleveitchik's "Halakhic Man," a very dense read, and... what did I do all afternoon? Hmm... I don't remember. Something not too fun, I guess.

Keep voting!

Broken

Broken.
Broken Lightbulb
Broken Computer
Broken Internet

Broken Heater
Broken Water Heater
Broken Heat

Broken Window
Broken Record
Broken Record
Broken Record
Broken.

Shabbatathon!

This weekend was the much-anticipated shabbaton in Jerusalem, but I'm afraid it wasn't quite what it was hyped to be. Or perhaps we gave it more attention than it deserved. Most of my friends have shabbatons in Eilat, or Ein Gedi, or Tzfat, so I guess spending the day the way we did felt very ordinary.

The Americans had their regular shuttle to Jerusalem Friday morning, and a few of us got breakfast and played Yaniv inside the bus station for a bit. Benjamin and I spent the next few hours at the Israel Museum, a place I had not previously seen. We walked around some art exhibits, saw the Dead Sea Scrolls, and felt our jaws drop at the three actual intact synagogues that were displayed inside. We taxied to Emek Refaim, lunched at a pizza shop, and walked for 45 minutes to the site of the shabbaton. We passed this shop, called Yoni. Good photo, "Yonis in Israel." We were almost lost for a bit, as I couldn't remember the name of the street-- Nurkin? Nurnik? Nukarin? We finally found it, right there at 35 Nikanor Street, at the edge of the Katamon neighborhood.

The site of the shabbaton was the Jerusalem Bnei Akiva building/youth hostile, which happens to be the Bnei Akiva headquarters of the world. Yeah, you heard right. The world. Yet despite the thrill of being in Jerusalem, the shabbaton still tasted heavily of Ma'aleh Gilboa. The davenning was the same, the routine was the same, the food was close enough. In short, we merely transported the yeshiva to a building in Jerusalem. And since the weather was uncooperative, we had to cancel our tish at the house of some rebbe. Instead, we tished (?) with our own rabbis, who told us of their pasts.

(Note: birthday time. Adam/Fred/Jeff/Whatever Bain- you are now seven! Wow, I can remember when you were born. That's scary...
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Adam,
Happy birthday to you!)

Saturday was also pretty routine. Same davenning, same Anim Zmirot, speeches, food. I gave the Dvar Torah at lunch, then had the follow-up honor of leading Birkat Hamazon. My speech was about the groupings of the Ten Plagues, which I concluded with a playful jab at Rav Bigman.

After lunch, I played Yaniv and lost, meaning I will have to clear an entire shabbat table. I also finished my third Gregory Maguire book, "Mirror Mirror," which set Snow White in early 16th-century Italy. After shabbat, there was another lecture, and after that, while we waited for the bus to arrive, people were amazed by the game "Pass the Pigs." Though I have absolutely no idea why.

So now I'm back at yeshiva, still with no computer, still working on our Super Bowl plans, still carefully monitoring my voting situation (my ratings dropped to 33%). Later folks. Keep voting; only four more days!

Poetry Corner

Here are a few poems I’ve been working on; more later…

Question on the Gmara- A Haiku
Talmud Sanhedrin.
I don’t understand the text.
So I check Rashi.


Misnomer- A Couplet
It’s called a kibbutz, but all the same,
It’s only a kibbutz in name.


The Least Supper- A Sonnet
One cucumber is good, but is it right
To serve them daily, morning noon and night?
The cottage cheese, olives, a browning beet?
Butter, the red stuff no-one seems to eat?
White goo we are told is cheese, tomatoes?
That is our breakfast, that is our dinner.
To no surprise, most students are thinner,
Supping on pasta, farfel, potatoes.
All that I ask is some variety
As through the daily routine we wallow.
I see my friends. It’s tough to swallow
Porridge while speaking Torah piety.
But the past is past. I pick up my knife
To slice the next cucumber in my life.


Not Here- A Limerick
At yeshiva when I was not learning,
A fire within me was burning,
To leave this location
Of great isolation
For the city and friends I am yearning!

Dvar Torah- וארא

This week’s Torah portion, Va’eira, contains the first seven plagues of what conventionally is perceived as the Ten Plagues. But are the “Ten Plagues” made up of ten individual plagues? Is there anything in common between the plagues that make them anymore than ten isolated, separate types of punishments?

The Ten Plagues, by the way, are Blood (דם), Frogs (צפרדע), Lice (כנים), Wild Creatures (ערוב), Pestilence (דבר), Boils (שחין), Hail (ברד), Locusts (ארבה), Darkness (חשך), and Slaying of the Firstborn (בכורות). In the gmara, Rabbi Judah writes a mnemonic: דצ"ך עד"ש באח"ב (I suppose in English that's BF"L WP"B HLD"B, but that's not much of a mnemonic). But Rabbi Judah's abbreviations aren't just a handy way of remembering ten plagues; they also create groupings of plagues that teach us something about the exodus itself.

(A quick note: most commentators do not include the tenth plague, the Slaying of the Firstborn, with the previous nine. Therefore, the groupings as explained below do not include it.)

The Abarbanel, of Spanish Jewry in the late 15th century, takes these three groups and writes how each answers a theological challenge of Pharaoh. When Moses confronts Pharaoh for the first time armed with the famous line "let my people go!", Pharaoh responds with the following:

וַיֹּאמֶר פַּרְעֹה מִי ה' אֲשֶׁר אֶשְׁמַע בְּקֹלוֹ לְשַׁלַּח אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל לֹא יָדַעְתִּי אֶת ה' וְגַם אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל לֹא אֲשַׁלֵּחַ

"And Pharaoh said who is God that I should listen to him to release Israel? I do not recognize God, and also I shall not release Israel." (Exodus 5:2)

The Abarbanel writes that the phrase "who is God?" means that Pharaoh did not acknowledge the existence of a single deity, as opposed to the classical Egyptian polytheistic belief. The phrase "I do not recognize God" is interpreted to mean that Pharaoh did not acknowledge God's divine intervention in human affairs. And the challenge "and also I shall not release Israel" hints to a struggle of power, implying that Pharaoh did not believe that God controls everything, particularly the forces of nature.

The three groups of theee plagues, therefore, answered the three claims of Pharaoh. The first three plauges (blood, frogs, and lice) showed God's existence and control over all aspects: the Nile, the wildlife, the dust. The second three plagues (wild animals, pestilence, and boils) show God's intervention in human affairs, namely, that God inflicted the plague on Egypt, but not on the region of Goshen, where the Jews were living. Finally, the last three plagues (hail, locust, darkness) were displays of God's might and power as displayed through nature. Hail in the dry desert climate, a plague of locusts that was so great that it was comapred to the flood in magnitude, darkness so thick that a man could not move in it-- God turned on the works.

The more recent Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch, however, creates a different set of groupings. The first group contains the first plague of the above sets (namely, blood, wildlife, and hail); the second group contains the middle plagues of the groups (frogs, pestilence, and locusts); and the third group contains the final plague of each set (lice, boils, and darkness).

Rav Hirsch's first group carries the message of גרות, strangeness. Through these plagues, God teaches that while Egypt thought it owned the land and that Israel was the stranger, everyone is a stranger in His land. This message is conveyed by contaminating the landmark of Egypt, the Nile; by bringing creatures foreign to Egypt; and by bringing stormy weather to an arid desert region.

The second group Rav Hirsch teaches of עבדות, slavery. Through this group, God teaches that while Egypt thought that it was the master and Israel the slave, everyone is subordinate to His will. And just as Egypt thought that it had control over the people, it also thought it had control over certain forces in Egypt, such as wildlife, cattle, and agriculture. God therefore teaches that He is in control of the timid water creatures (frogs) that brazenly invade Egyptian land, as well as the cattle, which he decimates with a catastrophic plague, as well as the grain, which is destroyed with a swarm of locusts.

Rav Hirsch's final group of plagues teaches of ענוי, or suffering. The third plague in each set comes to punish the Egyptians for not listening to the will of God for the first two plagues of each set. This punishment, Rav Hirsch writes, is inflicted on the Egyptians bodies, as opposed to their property or environs. The lice, boils, and physically-limiting darkness come to punish the Egyptians for their iniquities.

The three lessons that Rav Hirsch believes God teaches through the plagues-- גרות עבדות and ענוי-- are not joined together through coincidence. Rather, they are derived from the following verse:

וַיֹּאמֶר לְאַבְרָם יָדֹעַ תֵּדַע כִּי גֵר יִהְיֶה זַרְעֲךָ בְּאֶרֶץ לֹא לָהֶם וַעֲבָדוּם וְעִנּוּ אֹתָם אַרְבַּע מֵאוֹת שָׁנָה

"And [God] said to Abram 'surely know that your descendents shall be strangers in a land that is not theirs, and they will be enslaved and oppressed for four hundred years.'" (Genesis 15:13)

The three things that God promised Abram's descendents— strangeness, slavery, and oppression— were inflicted by the Egyptians onto the Jews, and thus, measure for measure, were subsequently brought upon them.

Regardless of whether you agree with the groupings of the Abarbanel or Rav Hirsch, it is important to know that both agree that the overall point of the plagues. The message can be found ten times in the parsha, in some form of the following:

וְיָדְעוּ מִצְרַיִם כִּי אֲנִי ה
"And Egypt shall know that I am God…" (Exodus 7:5)

The point of the plagues is to show Egypt, and the world, of God's existence and power in the world. Yes, they also served as a punishment, but bottom line, it was a lesson to everyone that God, though He may at times appear hidden, is the driving force behind our world.

Shabbat Shalom.

Taking a break from the rigors of the campaign trail

Though I did manage to push a mass email across last night, I have not been updating my blog for a few days. A large part of this is due to the fact that my computer decided to stop working, and I am now back in the long queue for the yeshiva's three internet computers. Thankfully, Ilan allows me to use his computer, which still works, so I am able to write a little now.

Last I checked, I stood at a whopping 42% in the standings. I am awed and thunderstruck, and I thank all my fans and voters out there. Above you can find a list of those who have reported to me that they voted, along with the special "nickname" recognition that I promised. So keep voting...

Tuesday night we had our weekly class with Rav Bigman, who honored his promise to "keep it short" by "limiting" the session to 50 minutes. We talked about... well, I'm not sure what we talked about, but it was deep and philosophical as usual. I think we might have mentioned perception, the system, or somthing like that. For homework, he assigned us an essay by Rav Hutner, section 21 of the volume entitled "Shavuot." I had a tough time finding the book, or anything by Rav Hutner, until someone mentioned that he went by the title of his magnum opus, "Pachad Yitzchak." Armed with this information, I eventually found the text. The essay attempts to reconcile the seemingly-contradictory concepts of humans as both individuals and as part of a whole. Rav Hutner writes that humans are simultaneously unique and united, that we are all created differently but also exist as an essential part of the human whole. The key to understanding the paradox is to realize that humans were created with both individuality and unity in mind, unlike any other creation. Rav Hutner also writes how the human face, different for every person, hints at the concept of individuality. At least, that's what I think the article said; much like Rav Bigman (who I've heard is a student of Rav Hutner), the Pachad Yitzchak is dense and does not surrender its truths and secrets easily.

Yesterday, being Wednesday, was once again occasion for community service. Unlike shooting baskets, writing blog entries, or even learning gmara, this is not one of those things that get easier the more you do it. I guess if there's one thing I've learned so far, it is dealing with frustration. I am starting to develop a routine with Ohr for our hour-and-a-half sessions: we do a puzzle of Little Red Riding Hood; while he goes to his room to get our first book ("The Lion Who Liked Strawberries"), I put the puzzle back in the box. After we read the book, we did the puzzle anew. I'm not sure Ohr realized we had just done the puzzle; as long as he doesn't see me put it away, he's as enthralled as the first time. He runs to get the second book ("Eliezer and the Carrot" or "Hot Corn"), and I dismantle the puzzle again. We read the book, and reassemble the puzzle. Then we complete a different puzzle, where he matches the Hebrew letter with a picture of word beginning with that letter (for example, he matches the gimmel with the guitar). If time still remains, we do the Red Riding Hood puzzle yet again. The only other memorable thing about community service was how Benjamin Epstein got left behind. Fortunately, he was on the community service unit that is only ten minutes away, as opposed to my unit, which has an hour drive each way.

Tomorrow is a shabbaton (otherwise known as a "shabbatathon") in Jerusalem, but I will try to write again before then. Later.

Surprise!

You know what I don't get? How the YMGuys still insist on throwing surprise parties, when the only thing that surprises me is that there are still more ways to throw a surprise party. On the water tower, in the migdal (other tower), outside the dorms, even during the Torah & Science class-- party planners not only want to be surprising, they want to be original. Go figure. I guess part of my skepticism is the fact that I have never had a surprise party; I guess being a hands-on guy has its drawbacks.

The past day featured not one, but two surprise parties. Yehuda, who turned nineteen last night, was surprised when about twenty guys were crammed into his roomed when he came to retire for the night. We all yelled "surprise," and, by law, Yehuda was surprised. We lifted him up on a chair nineteen times, a dangerous task when the overhead fan is whirling, and snacked on Hershey's Kisses and pretzels. Later on, we sang the blues to Yehuda's guitar accompaniment, and Yoni Kirby ranted and raved and sung like an idiot, even though he was one of the few who did not take a celebratory shot of whiskey. He says it was a Rav Yitzchak impersonation, though I, the master impressionist, disagree verily. I think the best comparison I can think of is a German leprechaun speaking Hebrew.

Contrast the festivities to today's welcome back party for Rav Elisha, who just came back from a two week adventure in America. Yehuda bought snacks, and we all hid under the tables. When Rav Elisha entered, we all yelled "surprise," but Rav Elisha, knowledgable in only Torah law, did not comply and act surprised. In fact, he launched right into a new topic about God knows what. I did learn two things that class, however. The first is that it is very difficult to listen to a class while crunching Bissli or Bugles. The other is that if you call Benjamin Epstein on his cell phone at the right moment, he will jump a foot in the air when he feels the shock of the vibrations. So I guess you can say that Benjamin Epstein, his phone on vibrate, is a walking surprise party himself.

Since I don't have anything else to write, I'll introduce two people I've been meaning to write about for awhile:

Rav Benny Holtzman
Nicknames: Redbeard, Big Ben
Teaches: Halacha
His voice is: surprisingly deep for someone so short

Rav Benny's main job is kibbutz rabbi, so he spends most of his time attending to kibbutz religious matters, whatever those may be. He teaches a class that does one Halacha a day (class meets to review once a week). I went to one of his classes in the first week; I haven't talked to him since. Actually, that's a bit misleading; I didn't talk to him during that lecture either. To clarify, I haven't been to any of his shiurim since that first one about the sun or a feather or something confusing.

Aryeh Bernstein
Aryeh has been living and studying here for the last six years, and I'm sorry to say that it has affected his taste buds in the most severe way. At most any meal, he places everything and everything he can find into a giant bowl, stirs, and enjoys. Chocolate spread, tomatoes, pasta, jelly, beets-- when we saw his bizarre concoction on our first day, we were convinced he has lost his sense of taste. And his actions since then have only strengthened those beliefs. Aryeh is part of the kolel, and learns much Torah, or so he tells me. Aryeh is from Chicago, likes the White Sox, and likes my last name, which, when pluralized, is almost like that of his favorite baseball player, Harold Baines.

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!"

After taking an expensive taxi to Efrat Friday morning, I was fortunate to hitch a ride with the Leibowitzes to the Central Bus Station this morning. So what if I got there at 10 a.m. for the 12:30 van-- I was able to read a lot of my new book, "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" by Gregory Maguire (I finished it later today). The book, which places the story of Cinderella in the context of 17th century Holland, discusses the concept of Cinderella and her beauty in a way very similar to Wilde's "The Portrait of Dorian Gray." I also grabbed a quick shawarma before heading to catch the 12:30 van.

Unfortunately, someone had forgotten to call the van, so we had to order it anew. The earliest it could come was 2:25, so we had a good two hours to kill. Ilan, Ezra and I taught everyone else the nuances of Fa-No-Ha-So, and when that proved to be boring, we headed to a nearby park. We borrowed a soccerball, and proceeded to play what I think is the worst game of soccer the world has ever seen. I played with Yehuda, Ezra, and Kirby, and we lined up against Yisrael Klitzner, Marans, Weiler, and Ilan. The game was simply ugly: bad passes, the ball flying every which way, mud everywhere. Some of my personal favorites were Yehuda kicking the ball as his shoe went flying; Marans trying to hit the ball with his chest, but missing in an almost art-like form; and Marans the goalie stopping a shot with his hands, only to have the ball then dribble through for the winning goal. I think I saw some Israelis crying, but I'm not sure; they may have been trying to gouge out their eyes at that travesty, that sham, that mockery, of their sport. I think the word should be travshamockery.

The final score was 5-4 (we won), and I think I have solved the problems with soccer. Yes, our pitiful game has enlightened me. The new rules:
a. The field must be made smaller. I don't know how much smaller, but definitely smaller. This ensures that the ball must get in the goal sometime. I'm talking Arena football small.
b. Limit the number of people on the field. Our four on four was just perfect.
c. All goalies must be midgets, children, or at the very least, unathletic. All these diving saves mean less scoring. The more incapable the goalie, the better the game. Similarly, the goal will also be doubled in size.
d. The goal will be like one of those basketball arcade games. You know, when the goal moves back and forth, side to side, and you get more tickets per basket? Like that?
e. And, of course, the upside to all this is hearing those announcers go "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!"
And let's face it, the more this happens, the more we enjoy the game.

***

On a totally unrelated note, I fell behind in the birthday count. I was away from home and thus did not have my birthday calendar with me, but that is no excuse. So let me see: Liza (January 18), Lisa (19), Rachel, and Yehuda (both 22), allow me to form a scrumtrellescent birthday song for all of you:
Happy birthdays to yous,
Happy birthdays to yous,
Happy birthdays to Liza and Lisa and Rachel and Yehuda,
Happy birthdays to yous!

Of Oprah and Vomit

Though I have just finished my second shabbat in Efrat, the experience could not have been more different. Whereas my stay at the Schwartz home was loud, hectic, and crowded-- in short, like home-- my stay at the Leibowitzes, just three doors down, was quiet, relaxed, and laid-back. Dov and his mother were the only people here, and the absence of his father and three sisters meant that we had the whole house to ourselves. "We had a nice, peaceful..." said Dov, letting the memories finish the sentence for him. "We had a pothead's shabbos," he added. Well, minus the pot. Thus, he concluded, "we had a ...head's shabbos." That doesn't seem to work so well, so scratch that.

For dinner last night, we were at the Nurkins', where we had a plethora of food, which was difficult for my cucumber-shrunken stomach to accept. We played Jewish Geography, and I learned that Ilana Nurkin nee Givon lived in LA and new my aunt Liz. Small world, small world. We then moved on to more intriguing topics, such as types of alcohol, Jewish humor, and Oprah Winfrey.

That night we stayed up until one, reading the cards from Trivial Pursuit and Celebrity Taboo. Most memorable during Taboo was when I guessed the correct answer from the clue "he's an author" (Stephen King). Of course, that whole 1:00 a.m. thing meant we woke up too late for shul, and thus went directly to lunch at the Bogners. We had sushi as appetizers, and discussed vomit over the length of the meal. Yummy.

Tonight after shabbat we watched "Arlington Road," a thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tim Robbins. It was very demented and suspenseful, with Robbins delivering one heck of a performance. Heck, I had never even heard of the film until tonight.

And now, sleep. Shavua Tov.

Back in Efrat

Once again, I have arrived at the American embassy, also known as Rechov HaLamed-Hei, in the Jerusalem suburb of Efrat. I am staying at the home of Dov Leibovitz, who lives within a stone's throw of Yoni Schwartz, Jess Dvash, Eitan Gordon, and a nearby Arab village (just kidding!).

I'm here for the shabbat after making the trip from Ma'aleh Gilboa in less than an hour and a half. I had breakfast with Ezra, David Zvi, Josh, and Kirby at a cafe inside the Central Bus Station. I could bore you with the rest of the details, but this post is just to let my parents know that I am here safe and sound. So, mom and dad, I am here safe and sound.

Shabbat shalom.

But no-one came to visit me :(

Apart from community service, the thing that I'll remember about yesterday was the back-to-back Aaron special. First, Aaron Gabba conducted a shiur about the nation of Amalek. I was impressed by the level of thought and the organization of material, but what stood out to me was the presentation and delivery. A Dvar Torah at Shabbat lunch is one thing; a full hour-plus shiur, allowing for interaction, tangents, and the vulnerability that comes with questions is quite another. The second act of Aaron² was the goodbye party for Aaron Abramson. Aaron is leaving one Ma'aleh for another, trading in Ma'aleh Gilboa for Ma'aleh Adumim. Though I don't know the place that well, I think YMA will be a better fit for Aaron that YMG. I think that his new place is... what is the word... shtark. Yeah, I think that's it. Anyway, Aaron gave a Dvar Torah, we had some refreshments, exchanged hugs, and that effectively ended his time here. We wish you the best, Aaron. The Learnometer* will feel the effects of your departure. Godspeed.

Today was Visitors Day, when parents of all the Israelis came to the yeshiva to visit their sons. It was kind of awkward being an American, being alone, kinda. Yoni Schwartz's mom offered to be my family, noting how sad it was how all the Americans are alone. This is one of those times where I really felt different from the Israelis, a stranger in a strange land. Everyone has their nice beds, their home cooking, their friends and family, to see every other weekend; meanwhile, every other weekend I have to find a place to stay, feeling like... well, yes, like a guest, but also kind of superfluous. Like I'm a bonus to have, but not really part of the family. I'm starting to prefer In Shabbats, when I feel like I am more at home. This yeshiva, for the year, is my home; all my clothes, my belongings, my bed, is here. Finding somewhere to be every other weekend feels so... what's the word?

We had a special dinner to impress the parents, who must've naturally assumed that we have steak for dinner every night here. Some of the Americans sat at the "orphan table," as we did not have any family here. And after the Israelis went home with their families, this place became an American yeshiva. Yep, all eight of the students here were American. How about that-- I am at an American place after all. For one night.

Lastly, a belated happy birthday to my aunt Lizzie, to whom I did not have the opportunity to wish a happy birthday in yesterday's non-post.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Lizzie,
Happy birthday to you!


*Learnometer [lern-AW-meh-tur] (noun): a ficticious device that measures the amount of learning occuring at a given moment in a given Beit Midrash. Invented by the great V.A. Kreplutsky, the Learnometer is measured in JT/h (Jewish thoughts per hour). The definition, value, and size of a given yeshiva's Jewish thought is carefully calculated by a team of sages, mathematicians, and anesthesiologists (heretofore referred to as "SaMatAn") as it relates to a constant k. Don't ask how SaMatAn calculates this; only the twenty-nine man committee knows, and as I am neither a sage, mathematician, or anesthesiologist, I have no way of knowing. k is a constant SaMatAn establishes for every yeshiva at Rosh Hashana, and varies on the size and population of the Beit Midrash. k is defined as:

S_a+R_{a ●} (T+G+P)

S_t+R_t [D]³

where (S_a+Ra) is the actual yield of the sum of students and rabbis, (S_t+R_t) is the theoretical yield of the sum of same students and rabbis, (T+G+P) is the sum of the Torahs, Gmaras, and Philosophy books available in the Beit Midrash, and [D]³ is the cube of the total distractions that will detract from Torah study. If k is greater than zero, much learning is going on; if k is less than or equal to zero, you have probably entered a bar on Ben Yehuda street. If k is between 1 and 20, you're in a bad yeshiva; if it's between 21-40, you're in a decent yeshiva; if it's between 41-60, you're in a good yeshiva; if it's between 61-80, you're in an excellent yeshiva; and if k is between 81-99, you should consider applying for a position on SaMatAn (unless, of course, you're an anesthesiologist, in which case you should send them you're medical records as well). And if the value of k is 100, the Messiah has arrived. Duh.

"And the answers are..."

1. Moabite woman gets her own talk show: THE ORPAH WINFREY SHOW
2. Synagogue platform used in gymnastics competition: BALANCE BIMA
3. Midrashic quality of the Plague of Hail, as titled by a James Taylor song: FIRE IN RAIN
4. Heaven-sent bird of a certain tribe in the desert, perhaps as a vice president: DAN QUAIL
5. Rapid rate of construction of Jewish festive temporary buildings, as uttered by P.T. Barnum: "THERE'S A SUKKAH BORN/BUILT EVERY MINUTE!"
6. The person who holds the baby at a circumsicion penned a "Where the Wild Things Are": MAURICE SANDAK
7. Murderer of Saul's descendant is executed in an unusual way, then David names a dessert after him: BA'ANA SPLIT
8. The rules of the circumcisor, which also relates pressure and volume: MOHEL'S LAW
9. Daily offering of stacte, onyche, galbanum, and frankincense, as one would logically think: COMMON INCENSE
10. The proper way to act in the Tabernacle, as pronounced by a lisping Hartford beauty queen: MISHKAN ETIQUETTE
11. Objects of Michal's criticism (including her husband, David), made into a film starring Harrisson Ford: PARADERS OF THE LOST ARK
12. Territorial lowlands of a certain tribe, poetically described as:

"a fantastic farm where ashes grow like wheat into ridges and hills and grotesque gardens, where ashes take the forms of houses and chimneys and rising smoke and finally, with a transcendent effort, of men who move dimly and already crumling through the powdery air": VALLEY OF ASHER'S

13. Lumber of a certain tribe, starring in the 1965 film "The Great Race": NAFTALI WOOD
14. Joshua leads the people into the promised land, taking a path that influences the creation of a NBC TV show about Boston coroners: CROSSING JORDAN [RIVER]
15. Wearing one's sidelocks facing front, as a title of a film starring Haley Joel Osment: PAYOS FORWARD
16. Pharaoh's labor plans for enslaving the Jews also served as a fraudulent money-making ploy: PYRAMID SCHEMING
17. What the Jewish people became after the death of Malachi, joining groups such as PBS and the Better Business Bureau: NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION
18. Devorah's aide (and a Jewish military leader) stars in an animated show with his pal Zorak: THE BARAK SHOW
19. Airborne Jewish fringes that cause African trypanosomiases and feed on the blood on vertebrates: TZITZIT FLIES
20. Get something back to a Beit Midrash lectern, as stamped by the post office: RETURN TO SHTENDER

Total Points: 100

And, in a total shocker, the same four people answered the riddles. How about that. So for the four of you, who will move up in the standings???
(And yes, the three question marks are all necessary, raising the drama exponentially!!!)
(And yes, the three exclamation points are all necessary, for the same reasons.)
(And yes, three consecutive periods would only be an ellipsis, and not add any emphasis. So there.)

SCORESHEET:
B. Bain: FFFFF/FFF4-/FFFFF/--3FF TOTAL 74
S. Blitzstein: FFFFF/FoF--/30FFF/--33F TOTAL 54
D. Bain: FFFFF/F4FF0/0-0FF/-5FFF TOTAL 63
B. Epstein: F0FFF/FFF--/0FFFF/FFFFF TOTAL 71

How to read the scoresheet:
The twenty numbers/letters correspond to your answers.
F- full creditx
- question omitted
0- no credit received
any number- amount of partial credit
slash ( / ) separates between every five responses

I had a dream

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, an event which basically went unnoticed here, I am going to share parts of a dream that I had last night. Actually, I was going to record it anyway, since last night I remembered the dream I had, a relatively rare occurance for me. I remember bits and pieces, but still, that's a start, especially for me. I remember... an oak library, with a roaring fire. A siddur made out of crumbling chocolate. Fifteen or so Shalhevet students. A handsome blond mysterious man name Zack Norris (I've never heard of him), who claimed he worked for Shalhevet. A bright light, followed by a pain in my neck. And the whispered words "Merry Christmas." If you have any idea what the heck this means, let me know. I'm totally stumped.

What else happened today...? We had an excruciating two-and-a-half hour shiur [which was supposed to be only one-and-a-half (which is already longer than the usual hour)]. Our planned field trip tomorrow (to Zichron Ya'akov) was cancelled. I got really excited when I was informed that I got a package, but it turned out it was actually Yoni Schwartz's. I wish someone would send me a package, or even a letter (hint hint).

And that's it for now. Answers to the Twenty Kashias tomorrow. For now, another opportunity to earn points...

You have a 1/2187 chance of getting them all right!
(if you guess randomly)

Yes, after a long series of posts without Israelis, it's once again time for... more Israelis! Yes, another chance for you to test your guessing abilities of six random Israelis. Remember, select the false statement. Man, I love this game.

1. Neta Kehati (left)
a. Lives in Hoshaya
b. Has broken four bones in his left hand (hence the picture)
c. Is a strong offensive rebounder

2. Moshe Roseman (center)
a. Plays the guitar (it seems that everyone here plays the guitar!)
b. His inside joke with me is "For example, Yoni"
c. Appeared on Channel 1 as a kid

3. Yair Lerner (right)
a. Attended Himmelfarb high school
b. "Really hates" classical music
c. An artist whose preferred medium is pastel

4. Netzer Maoz (left; Neta is right)
a. At age 20, is one year older than most of us, having done community service last year
b. Was a welder on his kibbutz, Sdeh Eliyahu
c. The first place he wants to do after the army is visit eastern Asia

5. Oren Saban (left)
a. Admits to be most scared by Rashi script
b.Enjoys diving
c. Excercizes his ring fingers twice daily so they can be as strong as the other fingers

6. Aharon Kalman
a. Though he plays a lot of basketball, he has no outside shot
b. Lives in the Baka neighborhood of Jerusalem
c. His father is an architect

7. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
a. Assassinated by James Earl Ray
b. Gave the legendary "I Have a Dream" speech on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington DC
c. Marched with Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel


BONUS: Name as many animals as you can with sixty letters. Each answer will be worth a fraction of a point, though that fraction is yet to be determined. List your answers in alphabetical order. You cannot use gender/age distinctions (such as ewe or foal). Place the total number of animals in parentheses at the end of the list.
Example: alligator, crocodile, elephant, hippopotamus, horse, jaguar, rhinocerous. (7)

Here, football means kicking, boredom, and 1-0 games

Holy shnikes, I just quasi-watched the most exciting NFL playoff game I think we will see for awhile. Pittsburgh jumped out to a 21-3 3rd quarter lead over the host Indianapolis Colts, but the Colts struck for an early 4th quarter touchdown, and after forcing a punt, scored another touchdown to pull within 21-18. They forced another Steeler punt, but after getting the ball at their own 18, turned the ball over on downs at their own 2, seemingly ending the game. Pittsburgh got the ball back, and since Indy had all its timeouts, had to run a play. This proved to be disastrous, as Pittsburgh's Jerome Bettis fumbled, and the Colts ran the ball back to their 40. Some quick passes brought the ball into field goal territory, with the chance to tie the game. But Mike Vandejagt, one of the game's best kickers, missed a managable 46-yard field goal to seal the Colts' fate, 21-18. Wow. And I was only watching online.

And... that's about it. No news up at the yeshiva. The Twenty Kashias are due tomorrow. What else, what else...

Ah, we can roll out the birthday bandwagon! Talya Goldfinger, you're eighteen! Let's sing!

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Talya,
Happy birthday to you!

Time Warp

I just looked at the calendar, and I realized that, hey, we are already halfway through January! Isn't that insane?! September, October, November, December, half of January-- gone like that, pfft! The time here just flies by in an almost unconscious manner. As one of the Americans noted, "I've never been in a place where both the days and weeks go by so quickly."

The individual days vanish in the blink of an eye. I remember how in high school, the days would drag on forever. And even though the days are much longer here, they seem to pass by so much faster. You wake up for davenning, then breakfast, then you're halfway through the morning shiur when you realize, hey, it's 10:30 already! Shiur, lunch, mincha and it's 3:15. Shiur, bkiyut gmara, another shiur, dinner at 7:15. It almost seems to go by faster than the time it took me to read this sentence, or for you to read it. And, of course, the evenings of basketball, internet, movies, whatever.

And not just the individual days. High school days went by slow, but the weeks went by slower. The weekend always seemed to be so far off, and the months dragged on right until May of senior year. Here, however, we seem to be in some sort of a time warp. The days fly by to the extent that we are always asking ourselves "is it an out shabbat already?" We get back on a Sunday, which becomes Tuesday, as Tuesday considers Monday almost a formality. I mean, Monday is there, but it just seems to vanish. Then again, we're at Wednesday before we can remember that it was Tuesday, and then before you know it, we're watching our Thursday night movie thinking, what happened to our week? Friday is always a short day, and while Shabbat is nice, the end brings us back to the end, and the beginning.

For the reason of our time warp, I am glad that I am keeping this blog. I can look back on all I did and say, "Whoa, that was fun," or "Hey, I enjoyed that movie," or "I can't believe that was September!" Because before I know it, the year will be gone, and this will be the tangible recollection I will cherish. I was never one to keep a diary, as my hand got bored of writing, and I never liked to read my own handwriting; but this, this I can do.

Anyway, another Shabbat came and went here. We finished the book of Genesis, and I even got called up for the seventh aliyah, which was nice. The weather changed from sun to haile during davenning, meaning many of us had to walk to the lunchroom without a sufficient rain coat. I delivered my Dvar Torah to some of the guys at lunch (remarkable because I did it in Hebrew), and played Settlers of Catan after lunch. We feasted upon Cholent Bowl VI, which was not bad. It wasn't good, since Jason was away and didn't cook it. No, the chefs were these two cooking idiots. And once again, before we could turn around, Shabbat was over, and now I'm here.


I watched an excellent movie, "The Usual Suspects," tonight. Kevin Spacey was Oscarly excellent, and most of the other actors were very solid. Christopher McQuarrie's screenplay, however, was sheer genius, teasing and twisting in an addictively thrilling manner. Also Oscarly. (Is that even a word? It is now!) The last scene tied the movie together masterfully, so much so that I watched the last five minutes again. There are still some points that I don't fully get, but I still appreciate the masterpiece I have just watched.

Verbal: You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting caught, and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything it'll be to get rid of me. After that... my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

Verbal: Keaton always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

Verbal: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And poof. Just like that, he's gone.

Additionally, tonight I talked with Leor about what I wrote about my stay at Mevaseret. I will not retract what I wrote. However, I will admit that I may have been in the wrong about how I scathingly described the place. Part of that came from Leor, who unforgivably criticized his yeshiva while I was there. But he explained his sentiments, telling me tonight that "it's different when you criticize your family than when someone else does." I guess that's kind of true; he's been there for months and knows what it's like. I, however, based my entire perception on my few days there as well as his comments that leaned more negative than positive. We both assume blame for this misunderstanding.

I guess part of me was looking for reason to dislike Mevaseret to improve my own perception of Ma'aleh Gilboa. I did not see the things that I did not want to see, and Leor's criticism served only to fuel that drive. I know that Ma'aleh Gilboa is right for me, and I also know that Mevaseret is right for other people. Perhaps I was too harsh in my perception, not taking into account that Mevaseret people have feelings, er, Mevaseret people can read, er, Mevaseret people probably love their yeshiva in the same way that I love mine. I do not regret my bluntness, but perhaps I was a bit too quick to judge. For that, I apologize to Leor and to the Mevaseret crowd in general. Except the Australian. He knows why.

Dvar Torah- ויחי

I was going to give a Dvar Torah at lunch tomorrow, but at the last minute, the person who asked me changed his mind. This is very rude, especially since I had already written the Dvar Torah. Nevertheless, I will share it with you, so you can have some Torah to share at your Shabbat table tonight.

Throughout Jewish texts, some of the Twelve Tribes seem to be more "major" players in history, while some seem to be "minor." As a test, I offer the following: name two people each from the tribes of (a) Benjamin (b) Judah (c) Levi. One who has had a Jewish education might know readily Saul, Mordechai, David, Solomon, Moses, and Elijah. But if I asked you to name someone from Issachar or Gad or Zebulun, I suspect you might have a harder time.

In this week's parsha, Vayechi, Jacob blesses his sons before his death. To some, he blesses longer, more eloquent blessings; to most of the rest, the blessings are short and blunt. Zebulun, one of the "minor" tribes, receives the following:

זְבוּלֻן לְחוֹף יַמִּים יִשְׁכֹּן וְהוּא לְחוֹף אֳנִיּוֹת וְיַרְכָתוֹ עַל צִידֹן
"Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon" (Gen 49:13)

What is this about? Whereas some of the brothers get blessings of leadership or prosperity or strength, Zebulun is blessed with... a portion in the land of Israel? Don't all the tribes get a share?

Furthermore, the Talmud (Megillah 6a) suggests a conflict in the actual distribution of the land that differs with Jacob's promise of ports:

והא קטרון בחלקו של זבולון הואי, דכתיב (שופטים א') זבולון לא הוריש את יושבי קטרון ואת יושבי נהלל. וזבולון מתרעם על מדותיו הוה, שנאמר (שופטים ה') זבלון עם חרף נפשו למות, מה טעם - משום דנפתלי על מרומי שדה. אמר זבולון לפני הקדוש ברוך הוא: רבונו של עולם! לאחיי נתת להם שדות וכרמים ולי נתת הרים וגבעות, לאחיי נתת להם ארצות - ולי נתת ימים ונהרות

The gist of this is that Zebulun complains to God that whereas his brothers received fields and vineyards, he received mountains and hills; the brothers received lands, while he received oceans and rivers. (Note: the part about the hills rings true with most interpretations of the division of Israel, which places Zebulun in the hilly Lower Galilee-- right around the area of Ma'aleh Gilboa. I also don't see any seaports...)

Furthermore, not much more is written about Zebulun in the rest of Jewish texts. Most of the time he appears, it is with his brothers in a census or division of the land or military conquest. The only famous person I could find from the tribe is Elon the Zebulunite (Judges 12:12). Zebulun appears only five times in the Talmud, and mostly in the context of land division. Perhaps the Ten Lost Tribes were not lost in exile, but rather when we forgot who they were and for what they stood.

I realized, however, that a lack of mention does not make Zebulun any less of a tribe, any less God-fearing, any less significant. Perhaps Zebulun's importance is more behind-the-scenes, a job whose significance is appreciated mostly by those who depend on them. All the actors out there know what I mean: if that light cue doesn't go, if that prop isn't there, if that sound clip is late, you look stupid and feel lost.

This is Zebulun's role for the Jewish people. Zebulun is a financial provider, one who deals in trade and business. And, as Jacob blesses, there is nothing wrong with that; on the contrary, business can be for a very good end. At the end of the Torah, Moses blesses the tribes before his death, and says to Zebulun:

וְלִזְבוּלֻן אָמַר שְׂמַח זְבוּלֻן בְּצֵאתֶךָ וְיִשָּׂשכָר בְּאֹהָלֶיךָ

עַמִּים הַר יִקְרָאוּ שָׁם יִזְבְּחוּ זִבְחֵי צֶדֶק כִּי שֶׁפַע יַמִּים יִינָקוּ וּשְׂפוּנֵי טְמוּנֵי חוֹל

"Of Zebulun he said, "Rejoice, Zebulun, in your going out; and Issachar, in your tents.They will send out the word for the people to come to the mountain, taking there the offerings of righteousness: for the store of the seas will be theirs, and the secret wealth of the sand. " (Deut. 33:18-19)

The Talmud cited above (Megillah 6a) addresses Zebulun's complaint by interpreting Moses' blessing:

. אמר לו: כולן צריכין לך על ידי חלזון, שנאמר (דברים ל"ג) [עמים הר יקראו]... ושפני טמוני חול. תני רב יוסף: שפני - זה חלזון, טמוני - זו טרית, חול - זו זכוכית לבנה

God responds by saying that Zebulun's sea-faring ways are not only essential to the national economy, but also for other holy devices: the שְׂפוּנֵי hint to the chilazon, a sea-creature from which the blue dye for the tzitzit is made; the טְמוּנֵי hints to the fish (sages interpret this as either tuna or sardine) that will become a seafood staple of the people; and the חוֹל means white glass, which apparently is very pretty, decorative, and expensive.

In some ways, the financial support Zebulun provides is more important than Torah. In Pirkei Avot, the sages teach that "without flour [sustenance], there is no Torah" (3:21). This statement is manifested in Jacob's blessing. Jacob began by blessing Leah's sons, starting with the eldest Reuben and then proceeding in order to Simeon, Levi, and Judah. Issachar should be next, followed by Zebulun to conclude Leah's six sons. But Jacob places Zebulun before Issachar. Rashi comments by saying that Zevulun comes first because without financial support, Issachar could not exist, as Issachar is the tribe that toils in Torah constantly.

The point of all this? Serving God can be done in business as well. Supporting Torah is as valuable as Torah itself. And the fact that this year we yeshiva students are Issachar, next year we will be in the army or university. But even though we will be in environments that will not foster constant Torah study, let us not forget that our contibutions to society are nonetheless valuable. Hopefully, each of us will be able to find an appropriate balance between the values of Zebulun and Issachar, the symbiotic brothers.

Shabbat Shalom.

Mug Shots: Two-Dimensional Perception of Three-Dimenional Reality

You wanna know why I like Thursdays? It's because Thursday is the day right before Friday, when there are no classes. That means that Thursday night is a night when we can go to Jerusalem, hang out at all the restaurants and clubs, see all our friends from other yeshivot, and stay out late.

This does not hold true for me, of course. Nevertheless, Thursday nights are arguably the best nights of the week. For those who dig the learning, Thursday nights are mishmar, when they can stay in the Beit Midrash all night learning (of course, they could do that any night of the week, but some of them still think that the Beit Midrash closes every night at midnight, and turns back into a pumpkin). For the rest of us, Thursday nights mean all sorts of fun, as there are no classes tomorrow (a few of us are still looking into the rumor that the Beit Midrash is actually open on Fridays).

For example, Movie Night. Tonight we watched "The Cooler," which featured excellent performances by William H. Macy and Alec Baldwin. The plot was intriguing, if not totally realistic, and had a good message about the nature of the old casino business, change versus modernization, and luck. I also really enjoyed how the soundtrack catered to the themes and feelings of the film. People also play games such as poker, basketball, or my new favorite, "The Settlers of Catan." (I hope my family gets a set soon, because if they don't practice before I get home for Pesach, I will have a huge advantage when I start to teach them.)

As for the past two days or so, let's see: I did my weekly dose of community service yesterday, or rather, as it is Friday morning, two days ago. I had a talk with my superior, and I mentioned the issues I wrote about after my last trip to Kibbutz Gesher. Ohr and I spent a good 35 minutes cutting magazine pictures together, engaging in an endeavor that I never could have guessed would be a "joint activity." I filled out a brief survey for the social worker, leaving what I suspect were important questions blank since I didn't understand all of what they were saying.

Today, or rather, yesterday, I worked with yet another chevruta. I have been told that I am in the running for the title of "most chevrutas in one year," and I still have four-plus months left. Since Dov switched to Rav Meir's class (Dov thinks Rav Yitzchak hates him), I have worked with Eitan Gordon, Yair Lerner, Jason, David Meyer-Deutsch, and today, Rafael "Chico" Shenkolavsky. I gotta do something about this, and quick. Actually, quick isn't such an issue.

We also held a surprise birthday party for Zev yesterday. Ilan made balloon animals, and we gathered decorations, food, and people in the tower. We waited for 25 minutes, but whoever was in charge couldn't get Zev to come. Zev prefered to study instead of party, so we had to go to him instead. We marched singing from the tower, instantly quieted as we entered the Beit Midrash, and turned up the volume just as quickly when we entered the library. I declare, it was almost like a cartoon, the sudden quieting only for a Beit Midrash/library/room with a sleeping baby. One of my favorite parts of the party was while we were waiting, we were passing around an ordinary banana and talking on it as if it were a cell phone. I was one of those initiating it, and it was quite hilarious, seeing everyone pretend to talk into this ordinary banana.

I wanted to share what I learned in Rav Yitzchak's Torah & Science Class. We were examining the position of Israeli scientist Hugo Bergman, who examined the relationship between reality and the attempt of language to describe it. Bergman says that the conflicts that we have with in perceiving reality is not a problem in reality, but in how we perceive it. Take, for example, the example we used, of the coffee cup. Figure A is a picture of the cup (already a problem in itself, but you can take an actual mug to really experience this). Now, it is impossible to "recreate" the three-dimensional mug on a two-dimensional surface. One can do one of two things: one can lie, and draw the mug as an illusion. This is Figure C, the standard way to draw a 3D cylinder on a 2D surface. And while this looks acurate, the rim of the cup is not elliptical, as in the illustration, but circular. This method attempts to recreate all aspects of 3D perception on 2D, and since this is impossible, creates an illusion.

The alternative is to admit that one cannot make a 3D representation on a 2D surface, so instead create multiple 2D images that, when taken together, give a better representation of the 3D item. Take Figure B, which portrays the mug from three perspectives: side (i), above (ii), and another side (iii). This is what one sees at that angle. Each is absolutely true, from its point of view. And when taken together, they contribute to a joint perception of reality.

Bergman argues that while images (i) and (ii) seem to conflict, they are actually contributing to a more acurate representation of the truth. Bergman then applies this to Torah and Science. It may appear that they are conflicting, and that is because they are. But a more accurate picture than Figure C is Figure B, even though it seems to show multiple angles. In essence, (i), (ii), and (iii) are all truths, and the conflict shows that the language we have is insufficient, not that the facts are wrong. For example, science says the world is 4.5 billion years old, but the Torah says the world is in its 5756th year. Which is right? If you look at Figure C, you have to say one is right and one is wrong, but your picture is illusory and compromises some part of the reality. If you look at Figure C, you will realize that the conflict is due to the fact that we do not know enough or have enough skills to understand. If you saw just (ii), you wouldn't guess it was a mug. But if you look at a real mug from above, you will have to conceded that, at from that vantage point, it is a circle.

Phew. I hope you understand that; I'm not even sure if I did, or if I described it correctly. If not, I will apologize. Later, all.

"Rain Man" after the fast

Today is known as the Fast of the Tenth of Tevet, and for perhaps the first time I can remember, the day went by like its name implies: fast. We had a long break in the afternoon, since many people went to a speech in Jerusalem I did not feel like attending. I played a few rounds of Settlers of Catan, read some of my book "A Million Little Pieces," and broke the fast on a dinner of schnitzel, rice, and mixed vegetables. "Crises Anonymous," a subsection of ALEPH DELTA MAO, discussed issues with which we are struggling while writing words with the wrappers of glow-in-the-dark M&Mini Bars. Today was also foggy, rainy, and sunny, with a heavy odor of cow due to a strong northerly wind.

I also did some learning and studying today, make no mistake. I learned that the Tenth of Tevet is a fast day for three catastrophic events that took place around this time. On the eighth of Tevet, the Torah was translated by seventy sages, known as "The Translation of the Seventy." A miracle occured in that, despite the translators being separated, submitted identical translations. On the ninth of Tevet, Ezra and Nechemiah died, ending an era of leadership of the Jewish people. And on the tenth of Tevet, the siege of the Temple began.

I also learned in gmara the repercussions of the following likely scenarios (Bava Kama 26b):
I. A rock is placed on a sleeping man's chest; when the man wakes, the stone goes flying and kills a man. For what damages/payments is he liable? II. A man intends to throw a rock two amot, but he accidentally throws it four amot, a distance which constitutes moving an object from domain to domain on shabbat. Is he liable for shabbat damages? III. A naked man falls off a roof, lands on a woman, and happens to have sex with her.
That's as far as I got.


I also just finished watching a great movie, "Rain Man." Some quotes, since I am about to go to bed:

Sally: Good Morning! Coffee?
Raymond: [looks at her nametag] Sally Dibbs, Dibbs Sally. 461-0192.
Sally: How did you know my phone number?
Charlie: How did you know that?
Raymond:You said read the telephone book last night. Dibbs Sally. 461-0192.
Charlie: He, uh, remembers things. Little things sometimes.

Doctor: Ray, do you know how much a candy bar costs?
Raymond: 'Bout a hundred dollars.
Doctor: Do you know how much one of those new compact cars costs?
Raymond: 'Bout a hundred dollars.

Raymond: 82, 82, 82.
Charlie: 82 what?
Raymond: Toothpicks.
Charlie: There's a lot more than 82 toothpicks, Ray.
Raymond: 246 total.
Charlie: How many?
Sally: 250.
Charlie: Pretty close.
Sally: There's four left in the box.

Twenty More Kashias

Before I get to more riddles, let me first let you know that while the Jerusalem Post Awards for blogs began yesterday, the "Best Student Blog" category doesn't start voting until January 24. Until then, you can check out the other blogs and categories, and even vote for those.

Anyway, back by semipopular demand is... more Jewish-themed riddles! Yes, more puzzling puzzles playfully playing on Jewish ideas. Points are at stake in the ever-important Race for the Most Points, and this is another way to move up in the standings, so brace yourself!

The rules are available by checking out the post with the first twenty questions, here (you can also check out the scoring procedures and answers here). Some of the important rules: do not look at previous responses; you can only post once... I think that's it. The answers will be posted one week from today.

Ready? Here we go...

1. Moabite woman gets her own talk show (3 points)
2. Synagogue platform used in gymnastics competition (4 points)
3. Midrashic quality of the Plague of Hail, as titled by a James Taylor song (4 points)
4. Heaven-sent bird of a certain tribe in the desert, perhaps as a vice president (4 points)
5. Rapid rate of construction of Jewish festive temporary buildings, as uttered by P.T. Barnum (5 points)
6. The person who holds the baby at a circumsicion penned a "Where the Wild Things Are" (4 points)
7. Murderer of Saul's descendant is executed in an unusual way, then David names a dessert after him (5 points)
8. The rules of the circumcisor, which also relates pressure and volume (4 points)
9. Daily offering of stacte, onyche, galbanum, and frankincense, as one would logically think (5 points)
10. The proper way to act in the Tabernacle, as pronounced by a lisping Hartford beauty queen (10 points)
11. Objects of Michal's criticism (including her husband, David), made into a film starring Harrisson Ford (8 points)
12. Territorial lowlands of a certain tribe, poetically described as:

"a fantastic farm where [something] grow like wheat into ridges and hills and grotesque gardens, where [something] take the forms of houses and chimneys and rising smoke and finally, with a transcendent effort, of men who move dimly and already crumling through the powdery air"

(7 points)
(note: the [something] is a word that I deleted to make the answer less obvious])

13. Lumber of a certain tribe, starring in the 1965 film "The Great Race" (5 points)
14. Joshua leads the people into the promised land, taking a path that influences the creation of a NBC TV show about Boston coroners (4 points)
15. Wearing one's sidelocks facing front, as a title of a film starring Haley Joel Osment (5 points)
16. Pharaoh's labor plans for enslaving the Jews also served as a fraudulent money-making ploy (3 points)
17. What the Jewish people became after the death of Malachi, joining groups such as PBS and the Better Business Bureau (7 points)
18. Devorah's aide (and a Jewish military leader) stars in an animated show with his pal Zorak (6 points)
19. Airborne Jewish fringes that cause African trypanosomiases and feed on the blood on vertebrates (4 points)
20. Get something back to a Beit Midrash lectern, as stamped by the post office (3 points)

Total Points: 100

Good luck.

Also, the Tenth of Tevet, a fast marking the beginning of the seige of Jerusalem, is tomorrow. Here's hoping that you have an meaningful fast.

We had prior "engagements"

Most yeshiva students in the Jerusalem area routinely experience their Saturday nights "on the town." For reasons obvious to those who have been reading this blog faithfully, I do not do a whole lot of Saturday Night Living "on the town." However, last night, I was able to taste the Israeli nightlife from a place not inhabited by cows.

Leor and I took the 154 bus from Mevaseret Zion to the Central Bus Station in Jerusalem, where we met up with... Amanda Gelb! Yes, the Amanda Gelb of the Shalhevet Class of 2005, who just arrived in Israel to study for a semester at Michlelet Esther! We caught up on old times as we cabbed our way to 32 Yossi Ben Yoezer Street to the engagement party I mentioned yesterday.

As we made our way through the winding streets of the Katamon area, I thought about the bride-to-be: Dorit Bat-Ami. Her last name isn't really Bat-Ami; rather, that was her job at Shalhevet last year, when she served a year of Sheirut Le'Umi (national service, an alternative to the army for girls). As was the case with all the Bat Ami's, Dorit brought a taste of Israel to the students of Shalhevet, putting in countless hours into skits, posters, games, parties, and activities. However, tonight was all about her.

The party site, 32 Yossi Ben Yoezer Street, was actually Yeshivat Eretz HaTzvi. The party room was the yeshiva lobby, generously arranged by yeshiva teacher and Dorit's brother-in-law, a familiar looking guy named Mordy. After a few minutes of chatting, I remembered that he was a counselor at the NCSY camp I attended before sixth grade. I hadn't seen him since. Just another example of the Jerusalem Mentality, hard at work.

This was my second engagement party in Israel, and I was more prepared for this one. For one thing, I was still clad in my Shabbat clothes, thus more presentable than when I wore jeans, a T-shirt, and a baseball cap. I also attempted to put into play a valuable lesson: don't be on time, and definitely do not be early. Heck, don't even be late by less than half an hour. I realized, after arriving at 8:30, exactly 30 minutes late, that the last part of this adage needed extension. Despite our best efforts, we were still relatively early; we were one of the first people there. We talked to Dorit, and then Leor, Amanda and I sat in the corner and talked while Dorit's friends and family chattered excitedly.

When I had first found out about the party from Alon Sasson, I was informed that it would be a mini-reunion for Shalhevet people. I guess that was the only reason we stuck it out. First to arrive to the Shalhevet engagement (ha, ha) were the rest of last year's Bat Ami: Miriam, Malki, and the one whose name I do not remember. Around 9:30, Alon, Micah Saiger, and Eliya Shachar showed up. We talked for a while, took some pictures, and freeloaded off the refreshments. Micah and Eliya left soon thereafter, and joining the festivities were Liora Pollick, Ruthie Glass, Batya Weinstock, Gabe Miller, and Lisa Shainberg, who also just arrived in Israel for a semester at Hebrew University. Too soon, however, it all had to end: the girls left, Alon taxied to a bar on Ben Yehuda Street to watch the football game, and Gabe, Leor and I bused back to Mevaseret, and at midnight climbed into bed for a well-deserved night of sleep.

Or not. Turns out that the Mevaseret Americans are louder than the Israelis here. (By the way, the Israelis here have been noticably quieter since October. I thoroughly approve.) And, they also don't know how to listen. Leor and I asked them to be quiet many times, to no avail; the last time I went out was 2:45 in the morning.

The counselors woke us up at 8:00 for davenning at 8:15. Two things struck me about this. The first is that they have counselors. Counselors. These Americans, on the cusp of university next year, still need someone to be waking them up in the morning and enforcing their curfew. We have lots of freedom at YMG, but most of us know when to step up the learning and discipline ourselves, when to get up and when to put ourselves to sleep.

This leads in to the second thing: davenning at 8:15. This seems ridiculously late when compared to the 6:45 davenning up here, but even more ridiculous when compared to the fact that normal YSMZ davenning is at 7:15. I mean, the fact that everyone goes out on Saturday night should not mean that the yeshiva should compromise its values, right? And on top of this, unsurprisingly, the students do not appreciate this insane gift, figuring that since davenning is put off 45 minutes, they can stay out until 1:00 and then talk until 3:45. Show some maturity!

The final thing I noticed about YSMZ was the type of people who are there. Leor pointed this out to me, and I agree, that the people there seem so... shallow. Shallow and immature. I did not feel comfortable with the overall chevreh (group of guys) there as I do with the guys of my yeshiva. Leor noticed the quality of guys immediately when he visited here earlier this year, and I also noticed how shallow those guys are in comparison to the YMGuys. Heh, I like that. YMGuys.

It rained all morning at Mevaseret, and now, after the usual lengthy busride, I am back to Ma'aleh Gilboa, and hopefully, my routine as well.

Today, January 8, is my father's birthday! Hazoo! That's like Huzzah, just not! So let us sing together:
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Daddy
Happy birthday to you!

P.S. Here's something we were discussing over dinner: if the twelve tribes were a baseball team, where would everybody play? After much careful consideration and deliberation and research into the parsha (?), we arrived at the following results.

CF 5 Naftali
SS 12 Zevulun
LF 33 Gad
1B 24 Yehudah
C 40 Dan
RF 17 Reuven
3B 1 Benjamin
2B 10 Issachar

SP 27 Joseph
SP 31 Levi
CP 59 Shimon
Util. 28 Asher

Oh, the things we think of...

YSMZ, not YMG. YNOT?

The sabbath has once again come and gone, the spirituality, prayers, and burnt cholent now but a distant memory.

I am typing this message at Yeshivat Sha'arei Mevaseret Zion, the yeshiva of Leor Hackel, among others. Some of these others include Gabe Miller, Carmiel Schoenfeld, Asher Begin, and Dani Wizenfeld of Los Angeles. Just as some of the faces here are familiar, so too is the yeshiva itself: I visited here over Sukkot, and I was also here Thanksgiving of 2004 visiting Max "Mordechai" Rabin.

Shabbat here was pleasant, at the same time similar and different to YMG. The tunes to Kabbalat Shabbat were the same, but the spirit, dancing, and unity felt during the prayers of Ma'aleh Gilboa were lacking. The menu featured the same chickens, cholents, and songs, but had a different overall aura from the atmosphere at YMG that is, I guess, indescribable. The schedules were near identical, but the free time (spent sleeping here) is different from the reading, chess, and card games up north. Perhaps the difference is as simple as this: here, it is all Americans, spending Shabbat in their standard and near-identical American ways; at Ma'aleh Gilboa, the heterogenous culture of Americans and Israelis (and different types of Americans and Israelis at that) creates a pluralistic environment a la Genesis at Brandeis (summer 2004) or even Shalhevet, at times.

Shabbat is now over, and soon I head to Jerusalem for a Saturday night on the town (relatively rare for me). I am going to an engagement party, about I will write tomorrow, hopefully.

Shavua tov.

PS: Tina Epstein, if you are reading this (and undoubtedly you are)-- thank you for the oatmeal-raisin cookies. They were delicious; even the crumbs-- and there were lots of them-- had that special taste of homemade love, even if it's not my home.

Going above and beyond the call of duty?

I mentioned yesterday that getting back into the rhythm of things included the upcoming Out Shabbat. Today was another impediment to getting back in the flow: community service.

Yes, community service is part of the yeshiva life, but a part of the typical week, not of the typical day. I have not been to bkiyut gmara for a while, and I was looking forward to learning. Instead, I went back to kibbutz Gesher.

The last time I was there, the mother didn't show up, and I had to accompany the babysitter. This time, Tali left right after I arrived, assigning me the job of babysitter. I bought Or a snack, pushed on the playground swings, carried him on my shoulders as we played basketball, dragged him home, helped him with his homework, and read him his favorite book. These activities alone do not frustrate me; rather, it is my perception that I am being used, in a way that is more that what I accepted (or was volunteered) to do. The job description was playing with the kid for an hour, not doing babysitting jobs. If she needs a babysitter, hire a babysitter; but my job should not be to serve as a foster parent or babysitter simply because I am there, because I am available. Just because I come every week, does that give the mother the opportunity to dump her kid on me while she goes to Beit Shean? My job is to play and to teach, not to discipline and watch.

In other news, I added up the scores of my football pool to discover that I lost by one point. Nevertheless, it was an exciting and fun-filled year of football. I thoroughly enjoyed the season.
Additionally, I am once again in search of a chevruta, this time for iyun shiur. Dov, who does not get along well with Rav Yitzchak, switched to Rav Meir's class, leaving me once again alone in my studies, a feeling I am used to, though it does not get any easier. I am thinking of busting out that personal ad again...

The Law of Return: at some point, the vacation must end

Well, here I am, finally back at yeshiva! Now that I once again have access to the internet on my computer, I will be able to post all the diary entries that I have written over my Chanukah break. I will date them according to when I wrote them, so they will all appear before this post.

My family meant to leave the hotel early in the morning, but my family being, well, my family, we left close to noon. The final complication was getting back my parents' cell phone, which my cousin Sarah had inadvertantly taken on the Samuels' shuttle to the airport.

The drive up was nice, and we stopped for lunch at the mall in Beit Shean. It ain't much in terms of malls, just two stories of redbrick: clothing store, movie rental, babyware, shoestore, and a hybrid pizza-shwarma restaurant. We dined at this shwarma place, where the portions were big and the service fast and polite. My parents were even shocked, seeing such courteous service after a week in the big city of Jerusalem.

Other than lunch, the mall was pretty boring. About the only interesting thing there was a faux movie poster that appeared to be advertising a Harry Potter film. However, only four characters appeared on the poster: Gilderoy Lockheart, Professor McGonagall, the cat Mrs. Norris, and Hermione. The poster's title read (in Hebrew) "Hermione." This was utterly perplexing: who would make a poster like this? Why? And why display it in the tiny mall of Beit Shean?

We drove the rest of the way to the yeshiva, and I gave my family the tour of the place: the water tower, Beit Midrash, dorms. And then they were gone, embarking on the long drive back to Jerusalem before flying back to LA tomorrow morning. Safe flight.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of yeshiva life, which is a bit difficult, especially since we have an Out Shabbat coming up. In the game of life, rhythm is everything.