Home at Last

Well, I'm home! I'm typing from my computer (and not my laptop) from my room (which is cluttered with other people's junk) and fighting off the jetlag for as long as I can, but I'm managing.

The adventures of the flight home were not as much the flights themselves, but rather in the airport hassles around them. For example, though I arrived at Ben Gurion airport at 8:30 for a 12:05 flight, I barely made it on to the plane. Part of the reason is that it took me forever to check my luggage; it seemed like every line but mine was moving. I think part of the delay was due to a very loquacious woman draped in maroon velvet, with a matching maroon afro, who kept talking to the clerk. I stood in that line for a full hour and a half. The small solace I could find was that for passengers checking in with me in line 92, our part of the plane would be more secure.

Then, of course, we took off 45 minutes late. I slept on and off for the entire flight. I couldn't believe that for the eleven hour flight, each seat did not come equipped with its own TV set! Thus, to amuse myself, I did a few sudokus, read my one-and-a-half plane letters, and listened to my new Gratefull Dead album on my iPod.

We alighted (or alit?) in Toronto, where some of the many Jews organized a Rosh Chodesh shacharit minyan. As the break was only an hour, we were soon back on board for the last leg of the journey. I watched part of "Garden State" on my laptop before it ran out of juice, and then watched "Friends" and "Everybody Loves Raymond" on the main TV. I also caught up with Ebby Hanasab, who was on my plane.

The flight finally arrived, and I passed through customs with only a strange conversation ("It says here you were on a farm on your journey." "Yes." "Are your shoes clean?"). I had to claim my suitcases next, and as luck would have it, my suitcase was the last one out of the chute. Finally, finally, I found my parents, and we got home.

I showered almost immediately after being in the air for twenty hours, and then went out to lunch at the LA famous Jeff's Gourmet Sausage Factory. The meal was quite rewarding and delicious. I then spent some time at Shalhevet, chilling with the seniors and visiting a few of my former teachers.

And still, I am awake. Gotta beat this jetlag, you know.

What I've Learned

That you don’t know Hebrew in high school.

That more people read the blog than I know.

That the truth hurts.

That finding a chevruta can be harder than finding a girl.

That isolation gives you a chance to look inside yourself...

...and that sometimes, when you really want to come outside, you can’t.

That any text written in Rashi script automatically makes it ten times harder to understand.

That you can eat and eat and eat and eat, and then be hungry immediately after.

That the internet is all-powerful.

That time has different speeds.

That Torah and politics should be mixed only with extreme caution.

That, under the right conditions, a cucumber can be as vital as oxygen.

That the meaning of life lies in the phrase “it all depends.”

That getting to dinner ten minutes late is akin to missing it altogether.

That “Teach the child to his ability” is perhaps the most important part of Jewish education.

That the Jerusalem Talmud matters.

That Halacha is societal.

That the Torah truly is infinite...

...and that, amazingly, we’re trying to make a dent in that infinity...

...and that, even more amazingly, we are somewhat succeeding.

That dancing works.

That shabbat really is the day of rest.

That community service is just that.

That humor is mulitlingual.

That Israel, all of it, acts as a home...

...and that you can feel welcome in any home, any shabbat.

That roommates are like family, kinda.

That Israel really is a small country…

… and that, even so, it is impossible to get people to come visit Ma'aleh Gilboa.

That holidays are of national interest.

That aliyah is a hidden agenda.

That the bottom line isn't always important, and…

…that how you get there is.

That Jews, by going in circles, move forward.

That getting a letter, or package, is among the best feelings in the world.

That goal-setting is important…

…but that you can also go along for the ride.

That guys named Jastrow and Frank, who you've never met, can become your best friends… in the Beit Midrash.

That ore is the most valuable resource, and sheep the least.

That more than five people do live on the kibbutz.

That living outside Jerusalem really has its downsides.

That technology makes long-distance not so long.

That the song "So Close" by Hall & Oates pretty much sums it all up.

That Tzomet Ha'Etz is much better than Poondak HaMa'ayan.

That the yeshiva's theme is "Pluralism"…

…and that it is not, as the Hebrew will pronounce it, "Fluralism."

That a Superbowl party is still a Superbowl party, even with Bisli, and even at 3 a.m.

That after using your coffee cup, you must wash it in the sink in the Coffee Room so that others may be able to find a cup when they need it, and that failure to do so may result in a stern talking-to by the intolerable boger Tzachi Slyter, who also uses the same speech structure when reprimanding one who does not return his book to the appropriate shelf in the library.

"So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye..."

Well, it is less than two hours to taxi time, and less than seven to takeoff. I've finished packing my things, cleaned my place at the Beit Midrash, distributed an email list, and begun saying my goodbyes. To all those concerned Israelis out there who keep asking me "are you leaving forever?" I reply: "I will be back in late April. Stop asking me questions and go away." I leave you with this, a funny picture of us making funny faces:

Next time I write, I will be in LA.

Marching Forward, Looking Back

Jewish tradition has a saying about its calendar that reads "מי שנכנס אדר מרבים בשמחה" (he who enters Adar hath a mutlitude of happiness). Not willing to be outdone, the secular calendar created its own pre-spring phrase: "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb." Though this phrase may appeal most to zoologists and astrologers, I have learned recently that the these animals are a vague reference to the weather of the month. A lion, for some reason, seems to allude to harsh, winter-like weather, while a lamb is somehow indicative of spring. The general idea, it appears, is that the month of March starts out cold and dreary, and then gets gradually warmer until the end of March is positively springish.

The weather at Ma'aleh Gilboa, however, seems to be unaware of the existence of this phrase. March began with a few very hot and clear days, which were then followed with rain, then dry days, then cool days, then a warm day just to mess with us, then a few windy days, a sunny day or two, and then, today, a sunny-windy-drizzly-dry-cool day all in one.

Why did I tell you that? I don't know. Perhaps it is indicative of my yeshiva experience: though I expected yeshiva to get easier as time progressed, it behaved more like the typical Gilboan month of March: rainy and sunny and wet and dry in no apparent order. Or perhaps, I just felt like writing something about March being over. Speaking of March being over, here's a funny joke: why were the soldiers tired on April 1st? Because they'd just had a March of 31 days! Okay, that wasn't that funny.

Today, my last full day at yeshiva, didn't really feel like a day at yeshiva. Today was Election Day, so not a lot of learning got done during morning seder. Since the ballots opened right at the time when the shiur was to begin, well, there was no shiur.

Another factor contributing to the decrease in the Learnometer is the simple fact that the trimester is coming to an end. An Israeli confided in me that in the last week of anything, the attitude drops a bit. I totally can understand that, having experienced senior year. True, what's happening here is not senioritis, but it is defintely not the same intense learning experience. Students have already started leaving, not to return until April 26.

Other than the last of my packing, I didn't do a whole lot today. I watched "The Shawshank Redemption," which was as incredible as it was the first time I saw it. Then, later tonight, we had an unofficial end-of-the-trimester dinner. Jason and Ronen organized a barbeque, which was delicious, and not expensive. For a paltry ten shekels, each person received a hamburger, two kababs, four hot-dogs, and a pita. Good times. I was reminded a bit of the Senior-Freshie "Bond Day" of last year, when Noah Sharfman and Gabe Miller barbequed in Rancho Park. Both created feelings of unity within the group, though each was partially incomplete: at Rancho, the whole grade was there, but so were freshmen; here, it was only our shiluv, but not everyone attended.

That, ladies and gents, was my last full day at Ma'aleh Gilboa. Going to sleep soon; gotta finish packing, hit the makolet, and do some last second preparations before I leave for the airport at 7:00 p.m. Hopefully, I'll have a chance to post tomorrow. If not, I'll write again from my room in LA.

Nighty night, my last in Israel.

Inside Jokes

Directions: Read the complete list of inside jokes. For every joke you understand, award yourself one (1) imaginary point. Keep track of the points, or else.

Class A: Quotables
"There's a bungus among us"
"Magenta Pig!"
"I like it when you call me Rav Pappa"
"Can you read Rashi?... Can you write Rashi?"
"Heschel is cloaked in mushy-gushy"
"Say no to evil!"
"New shita has come to light!"
"STAM!"
"Shmeh"
"Oh, shalom!"

Class B: Concepts
The Prophecy and ABWs
ALEPH DELTA MAO
The Gilboa Virus
Bananaphone
Sudoku Mishna
Mail-order Chevruta

Class C: Activities
Wallowing in the Torah
Getting Ladle
"Neeger" and the arm pinch
The Cholent Club
Cucumbers
Getting Biggy with it
Calling Benjamin's cell phone

Class D: Personalities
Rav Shimon Schkop
Break-Dancing Midget
The High Commissioner of Pants
Juan Marie
Charlene and Clarisse

Class E: Griffins
"Shallow and Pedantic"
"Eat this pinecone!"
"The book can also be... a hat!"
The philosophy of Thomas Griffin
Josiah Griffin's telephone number

Now that you have all your points carefully added up, it's time to get your score:
0-8 points: You obviously know nothing about my time in Israel. Either that, or you can't add.
9-16 points: You display a fair amount of knowledge of my time in Israel. I recommend reviewing old entries, or watching a few select episodes of "Family Guy"
17-24 points: You seem to know a lot about my time in Israel. If you knew any more, you might actually be a part of Shiluv 13.
25-33 points: You are part of Shiluv 13. You have to be, to know so much about my time in Israel. Well done.
34-40 points: You somehow managed to score more points than there were questions. You are a dirty rotten cheater, and I have no respect for you as a human being. Better luck next time.

***

And... today is the birthday of the red-haired Canadian we all have grown to know and love. David Zvi Epstein, you are now officially one year older! And to mark this momentous occasion, allow me to offer a gift of the highest form: a standard purple copy of "Happy Birthday" as marked on my website:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to David Zvi,
Happy birthday, Magenta Pig!

Ma'aleh Gilboa from A to Z

A is Anim Zmirot, when the students dance and sing,
B is Beit Midrash, where we do our learning thing.
C is for the Cucumbers that we eat twice a day,
D is for the Davenning, the time we chant and pray.
E is for the Email we check each day, of course,
F is "Fluralism," the yeshiva's driving force.
G is for Gilboa, our lonely mountain peak,
H is for the Hebrew language staff and students speak.
I is Iyun Seder, when you're learning with your buddy,
J is for Jerusalem Talmud, a text that we oft study.
K is for Katamon, where many students dwell,
L is for the Laptops Israelis borrow for a spell.
M is for "MMM Ken," an inside joke I don't quite get,
N is for the Noodles, drenched in oil so they're wet.
O is for Out Shabbats, weekends students love the most,
P is for Pesachim Tractate in which we're engrossed.
Q is for how Quickly these six months have just flown by,
R is Rosh Yeshivas, we have three, I don't know why.
S is for Shiluv 13, the student body group,
T is Toranut, such as serving shabbas soup.
U is for United States, from which some students came,
V is "Volunteering," which is only that in name.
W is Water Tower, a place with quite a view,
X is for the Xeroxing that we're allowed to do.
Y is for Yoni in Israel, the place I write my take,
and Z is for Zman Kayitz, the trimester after break.

AskYoni

As some of you remember, and as most of you probably do not, I initiated an AskYoni feature on February 11. In the feature where I answer any questions you might have about any subject.

Dear Yoni,
You seem to be playing a lot of basketball. Apart from the different-shaped key, are there any striking differences between American basketball and Israeli basketball?
-Joshua Neal Abitmann

Dear Josh,
There are several important differences between playing basketball in the States and in Israel. Here are some rules that are often overlooked here:

Rule 10-Section V
b. Kicking the ball or striking it with any part of the leg is a violation when it is an intentional act. The ball accidentally striking the foot, the leg or fist is not a violation.

Rule 4-Section IX
Traveling is progressing in any direction while in possession of the ball, which is in excess of prescribed limits as noted in Rule 4-Section VIII and Rule 10- Section XIV.

Rule 12-Section III
A player who sets a screen shall not ... (2) make illegal contact with an opponent when he assumes a posi-tion at the side or front of an opponent, or ...(4) move laterally or toward an opponent being screened, after having assumed a legal position...

The three main rules here are (1) push harder, (2) yell louder, and (3) calls do not go both ways. Normally, I don't care, but last night there were some blatant and repeated instances of moving screens, balls that were not kicked, and three-and-a-half steps that I called and did not get. I also lost some arguing calls, such as "how is it off me if I let it go out of bounds?" But to no avail. Israelis have much better yelling skills. Such are talents I need to improve to play in the, shall we say, נ.ב.א.

Dear Yoni,
What did you have for lunch today?
-Ninja Elmo Bustahana

Dear Elmo,
I'm not sure I totally trust anyone who signs his name "Ninja," but the answer is schnitzel, rice, potatoes, mixed vegetables, and mushroom soup.

Dear Yoni,
Ma'aleh Gilboa seems like such a boring place, apart from the intellectual stimulation of the Beit Midrash. What do you do when you're not learning, and of course I assume you're learning for a good amount of time.
-Samantha Jane Bulion

Dear Samantha,
Today is a good example of me not doing a lot of learning. The whole morning, my roommates and I swept the floor of our room, which looked like it had dirt from the 1960s, and mopped it. We did this for two reasons. One was to clean the room for Pesach, and get rid of all the chametz (leavened food products). The other reason was just to do some cleaning of a messy room. The cleaning is harder than it seems, considering all the furniture we had to rearrange. After a quick lunch break, we finished putting the room back in order. Josh and I saw off Ilan, who leaves for Poland tomorrow morning and thus had to hitchhike down the mountain this afternoon. I attended mincha and a class with Rav Yitzchak about the tabernacle, and then proceeded to do some packing. I met a chevruta, and after dinner, did some more packing and cleaning. So though I didn't do that much learning, I did do a lot of other valuable things. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be more learning.

Dear Yoni,
We know you are coming home for Pesach break. Can you bring us some souveneirs, such as chocolate eggs or a shawarma from Moshiko's on Ben Yeuhda street? If not, that's fine. We just won't ever talk to you again.
-Annabel & Justin Omaha

Dear Annabel and Justin,
Who are you people???

Dear Yoni,
Are you excited to be coming home for Pesach? I can't figure out that counter thingy; when do you leave? What do you plan to do when you get back to the States?
-Nathan James Boulian

Dear Nathan,
My flight leaves for America at 12:05 a.m. Thursday, March 30. On my plane will be Max "Mordechai" Rabin and, I just found out, Ebby Hanasab. Am I excited to be coming back for Pesach? Heck yeah. As to what I plan to do? Eat real food, both homecooking and restaurants. Sleep in my bed and shower in my shower. Hang out with my LA peeps (if I may use the term) and my friends who also came back to LA for Pesach. Go to LA sporting events. Spend time with my family. Go swimming. The list will go on and on, so maybe let's end there.

That was great, keep the questions coming!

Exactly 2 days, 23 hours until I go home.

Shabbat Reflections

There is a saying at Bain Manor that comes up on certain Friday nights. The saying is thus: "who knows where we'll be next shabbat?" All right, that's more of a question than a saying, but the Bain tradition of asking this comes when the following shabbat will be spent at a different location, be it Palm Springs or New York or Israel. And this Friday night, right before kiddush, I asked myself, where will I be next shabbat?

Before I look forward to next shabbat, I should reflect on my last shabbat of the zman.

[To clarify the term zman (זמן): the word zman usually means "time," but at yeshiva it is perhaps better translated as "trimester." The three zmanim are Zman Elul (named for the month of Elul) which goes from early September to Sukkot break; Zman Choref (choref means winter), which covered November to April; and Zman Kayitz (kayitz means summer), which is from May to July. As you can see, not all zmans are created equal.

Now back to the story]

I think one of the things I will miss most, both about shabbat and the yeshiva in general, is the Kabbalat Shabbat. Yes, the melodies are beautiful, but I'll miss the dancing, the clapping, the real feeling of togetherness of the shiluv as welcome the shabbat. I can bring back a tune, but I can't bring back how everyone dances together in one massive circle, arm in arm, to the Jewish two-step.

Then, after the dinner, I went to the tish, a sort of shabbat party with slow songs and pretzels. This was only the second tish I can remember attending; the other was the first one of the year. Rav Gilad, who was filling in for Rav Bigman, and Rav Yitzchak gave speeches. I can't really remember what they were about, as I was preparing for my speech.

At the end of the speeches, I got up and began to speak. I mentioned something about beginnings and ends, and that I wanted to sing a Greek song from my Greek grandmother regarding that. As most of you may know, I neither have a Greek grandmother, nor do I know any Greek beyond my familiarity with fraternity names. Nevertheless, I passed out papers and had everyone sing: יומוא לדצה מאח לי לן. טשעס רשה נה. In English, this would be similar to something like "Hupeeb urth deyeel an." Simply put, when everyone unsuspectingly read the song really fast, it turned into יום הולדת שמח לאילן. תשע-עשרה שנה or "Happy birthday Ilan." Then Josh brought out the cake he had brought, and the celebration was complete.

Or so I thought.

We headed back to the room, and soon enough the salon was filled with about five times as many people as it is supposed to hold. We brought out some cake, some fruit juice, some alcohol (we needed to finish it before Pesach!), and listened to stupid stories, watched Ronen do his crazy Ronen shtick, and made shadow puppets. I don't think anything anyone said made any sense whatsoever, but that was okay. At twelve, Zev shooed everyone out at midnight ("it's no longer Ilan's birthday!) so he could go to sleep, and thus did all the tennants of Rooms 7-8 do.

Zev woke us all up for davenning this morning, and I arrived this morning on time so I could claim my seat before one of the shvushim could claim it. Shvushim! They were everywhere. I recognized some of them, as they had been here throughout the year to visit. That tall guy borrowed my old shoes to play basketball; that's the redhead; that guy looks like Professor Snape. In a way, it was kind of like a changing of the guard. These guys will be the future of the yeshiva-- well, at least most of the future; the most integral part, the Americans, were not here for shabbat.

Davenning was long. It was a double Torah reading with slow readers, and we just inched along, taking about two and a half hours. We had our usual pastry kiddush after we finished, and then we went back inside for the shiur by Rav Gilad. His theme was looking at the construction of the tabernacle before and after the sin of the golden calf, and Moses' theme in it all. The lecture was done in the typical Rav Gilad way, which is to say, eloquent, clear, and focused.

Lunch followed the speech, and food was once again none-too-memorable. Following lunch was an excellent game of Ultimate Frisbee. We had a four-on-four that was a lot of fun, at least until everyone got tired. I was glad to leave, as I had rolled my ankle stepping in one of the many holes that are for some reason in the middle of the grassy field. Then I played two games of Settlers of Catan, winning one.

Then there was seudah shlishit, ma'ariv, and shabbat was over. About the only thing missing was Cholent Bowl X, which we cancelled because people didn't want to do cholent this week (?!). The Big X, as we are calling it, will be the welcome-back-to-yeshiva-shabbat cholent instead.

My last shabbat in yeshiva before the break was a perfect summation of my Israeli shabbats, and perhaps of my Israeli experience in general. Israeli birthday celebration. Hebrew classes. Yeshiva food. Hanging out with Israeli friends. Davenning. Yeshiva experience.

It's interesting how my opinion of all these things has changed after my time in Israel. I used to think the late-night parties loud, boisterous, and inconsiderate. Last night, I organized one. I used to think I would never be able to follow a Hebrew shiur, both because of the Hebrew and the shiur. Today, I understood one completely. I used to think that yeshiva food was boring and bland. Today, I saw that I was completely right on that one. I used to think that the Israelis and Americans are two completely separate groups. Today, I played an inter-national frisbee game; the teams had teens of different cultures and languages, but at the end of the day, the teams were made up of teens. I used to think that davenning was a burden. Today, I realized that dancing and singing can help alleviate that load.

The bulk of my yeshiva time has just about come to a close. As in my senior year of high school, I expect the months of May and June to fly by. Hopefully, I'll maximize that time and get the most of it. Of course, I want to continue to delve into the Jewish knowledge, but if I can continue learning about myself, so much the better.

Super Sudoku Page

Prepare for the ultimate sudoku challenge: sudoku with one, two, three, and even four rows per box. Can you handle it?

Sudoku Challenge #1
Grid size: 1 x 1
Number of boxes (filled in): 1 (o)
Digits: Use number 1
Level of Difficulty: None

Sudoku Challenge #2
Grid size: 4 x 4
Number of boxes (filled in): 16 (6)
Digits: Use numbers 1-4
Level of Difficulty: Easy
Sudoku Challenge #3
Grid Size: 9 x 9
Number of boxes (filled in): 81 ( c)
Digits: Use numbers 1-9
Level of Difficulty: Moderate

Sudoku Challenge #4
Grid Size: 16 x 16
Number of boxes (filled in): 256 (104)
Digits: Use numbers 1-16
Level of Difficulty: Hard

Magical Mystery Tiyul

Last night I mentioned the potential tiyul that I wanted to go on. I was scared because DMD mentioned leaving early, and early isn't exactly my middle name (according to Alex Melamed, it's Sedwick). However, not only did I manage to get up early enough for davenning and breakfast, but... well, that's what I did, so no need for the "not only." After breakfast, we departed. From left to right, that's Kirby, DMD, Benjamin, and Yehuda. Ilan picked a very inopportune moment to stand smack dab in front of Benjamin, so you can't see him. I, of course, am the photographer.

I never knew there was anything else on Mt. Gilboa, or at least, anything worth seeing. But on the hike, we saw a little more of the nature and wildlife on the mountain. Wildlife-- that was limited mainly to butterflies and grasshoppers, though we did spot a lizard racing through the grass. Nature-- I was on the lookout for the Gilboa Iris, a flower so rare that it grows only on Mt. Gilboa (or so I'm told), and that picking one such flower is illegal. There are only a few weeks when the Iris is in bloom (late February-March), so I made sure to see them while I could. Behold-- the iris!

Though we did find our irises, the flower was not our only interest. We did a lot of uphill hiking; we sang, told jokes, and frolicked. When we reached a certain point, Ilan, Benjamin, and Kirby broke off to pray and phylacterize (put on tefillin) as we were overlooking the Yizrael valley. Yehuda, DMD and I split off as well, each of us picking a different spot on the peak.

I sat on a rock, put on my iPod, and listen to a slow playlist as I drank in the view. I thought I would tired of the view on the mountain, but it turns out that I never have. The entire valley was spread out before me, a crooked chessboard of green and red and yellow and brown. I don't know how long I sat there, listening and gazing.

Then, it was over. The prayers finished praying, the listeners finished listening, and we hiked back to the yeshiva. The tiyul was over.

My last Shabbat in yeshiva is approaching rapidly. The place is starting to fill up with those darned shvushim, so before I wish you all a shabbat shalom, I need to mention the following:

Birthday time! I feel we haven't had birthday time in a while. What, is March just unpopular? Anyway, Ilan Caplan, roommate, hat man, cohen, ADM member, Crimson (Harvard)-- happy nineteenth! Sing if you know the words:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Ilan,
Happy birthday to you!

And in Hebrew!

יום הולדת שמח
יום הולדת שמח
יום הולדת לאילן
יום הולדת שמח

Shabbat Shalom.

The Ravfather and "Duck Soup"

Tom Haagen-Dazs: Help me, Ravfather. I need a favor.
The Ravfather: Ask, for I cannot refuse a favor on the day of my daughter's wedding.
Tom: I need you to make all the rabbis not come to yeshiva, cancel all normal classes, and close the makolet early this Thursday.
Ravfather: That is three favors in one request, but I will do it, since I cannot refuse a favor on the day--
Tom: --of your daughter's wedding. I know.
Ravfather: What's'a matter with you? Show some respect, or you'll sleep with the gefilte fishes.
Tom: I'm sorry, Ravfather. Thank you, Ravfather.
Luchot Brasi: Ravfather, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daughter... 's wedding... on the day of your daughter's wedding. And I hope their first child be a masculine child, and that I will be invited to the bris. I pledge my ever-ending loyalty.
Ravfather: Leave the Rambam. Take the cannoli.


Today is the day of Rav Bigman's daughter's wedding, and even though the yeshiva students were not invited, the event dramatically altered what happened today. Most of the rabbis didn't show up for their usual Thursday classes. Rav Gilad, Rav Shmuel, and Rav Yitzchak (in addition to Rav Bigman) were not here today; I think most were getting ready for the wedding. They had moved all their classes to earlier in the week, but all the same, the yeshiva felt relatively empty of rabbinical supervision. As a result, there were none of the regular classes, and even though there were others in their places, it did not feel the same. The makolet closed early for the wedding, though I'm not sure why, as the wedding is near Netanya (relatively close to Tel Aviv and Ra'anana, though all Israel is relatively close). Coupled with the fact that most of the shvushim (next year's students) have already arrived for this Shabbat, my last Thursday before the break felt very strange.

Stranger yet, I may not have my last late Thursday night. I am considering going on a tiyul tomorrow with Yehuda and DMD, so we might have to leave early tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll put some pictures up, as I haven't been posting as many images as I would have liked.

However, tonight I did watch a movie, getting back to the Thursday movie night tradition. Tonight's feature presentation was the Marx Brothers' "Duck Soup." Some of the movie felt weak and diminished, especially when taking into account the weak camerawork, "special" effects, and sound mixing, though I suppose that's to be expected of a movie from 1933. Yet some truly hilarious scenes made up for it. True, some of the humor did not resonate as well as it did when I was younger, or if I had seen the film in the 1930s, and some of the jokes felt stale and flat. That said, there were some great lines and jokes that made me laugh, even 73 years later. Groucho had a few good quips, Chico made some silly puns, and Harpo was Harpo, but the brothers' true genius was on display when they were in a scene together. The peanut vendor shenanigans, Trentino and his spies, and especially the mirror of Grouchos left me in the proverbial stitches. By the way, anyone know why the movie is called "Duck Soup"?

It's getting late, and I need to be up early for the tiyul (hopefully). Good night, and good luck.

Exactly 6 days, 35 minutes until I go home.

My Dilemma

Today I was faced with a real dilemma. Perhaps not a moral dilemma, but a dilemma nonetheless. And though the strength of the dilemma was somewhat diminished by the fact that the answer was already there, I still pondered this dilemma.

Some background: today was my last day of community service with Ohr before Pesach break. That much was certain; as I am leaving back for America in less than a week (!), I told Ohr's mother that I would be unable to attend again before May. However, beyond today, the yeshiva is unsure of whether community service will continue. The details are a bit hazy, but I believe the reason to this is that the yeshiva and the social service agency dosagree as to who should pay for the buses from Mt. Gilboa to Beit Shean. As they have yet to reach an agreement, we don't know what will happen next week, or the rest of the year.

The dilemma, in a nutshell, is this: do we tell our charges that this is our last time? All the people on my bus were not sure what to say. We could say this is our last time and sever the relationship, but we also don't want the kids to find a new mentor if in fact a bus agreement is reached and we are able to continue. On the other hand, not saying anything could be, in a way, worse, as there is no official end, no goodbye.

The yeshiva told us about this dilemma last night, describing what I mentioned above. Zevik cleared his throat, ready to give us the final word: "As what you should do tomorrow..." Dramatic pause. "...I don't know." Great.

I didn't get a chance to decide for myself, because when I arrived, Ohr's mother had left her kid in the charge of his uncle Moti, so I couldn't talk to her about my community service future. I'm still unsure what to do. I think I will call her tomorrow and tell her that I won't be able to come again until at least May. That's true, but it also allows me some time to find out what will happen.

Other than that, today was a regular day of yeshiva learning. It was my last full Wednesday here. I don't know if I will say that for every day until I leave, but I might. I played some Ultimate Frisbee, and tonight I am going to play some basketball. I played two nights ago, and as there were no people waiting to get in, I got to play in the five-on-five until everyone left. Since I was in the whole time, I got into a rhythm, and I scored 12 points, and had nine rebounds, two steals, three blocks, and six assists. Actually, I know I had 12 points, as it was my first double-digit night at yeshiva, but I didn't really tally the rest (but they are a good approximation, as they show my involvement at both ends of the court).

Exactly 7 days, 1 hour until I go home.

מי שברך מיוחד

In light of the avian flu that just arrived in Israel, I composed a special prayer for the sake of our bird friends, and future lunches.

מי שברך אבותינו אברהם יצחק ויעקב, משה אהרן דוד ושלמה, הוא יברך וירפא את התרנגולות הסובלות ממגפת שפעת-העוף שבאה על לולי ארצנו וקיבוצי אלוקינו מן הלבנון עד מדבר מצרים ובכל מקומות איכריהם, מיבשה, מאוויר או מים. ייתן ה' אלוקינו רפואה שלמה לכל השניצלים הבאים אלינו לטובת הגוף ולבריאות הנפש, בעבור שהקהל הקדוש הזה מתפללים בעבורם. בשכר זה הקדוש ברוך הוא ימלא רחמים עליהם, להחלימם ולרפאתם ולהחזיקם ולהחיותם, וישלח להם מהרה רפואה שלמה מן הלול הגדול בשמים, לכל אבריהם וגידיהם, מפני שאנו לא יודעים מספרם בחיות, בתוך שאר מאכלי ישראל, רפואת הפולקה ורפואת הגוף, ויקים בהם הכתוב "כל רמש אשר הוא חי לכם יהיה לאכלה," השתא, בעגלא ובזמן קריב, ונאמר ממ כן.

Van Trip, not Highway, to Hell

My last day in Jerusalem, after leaving Ronen's, was quite uneventful. I arrived at the Central Bus Station, got a salad lunch (regretfully, they did not place enough salad dressing in the to-go bag), and prepared for the stretch run, the last two weeks of yeshiva before Pesach break. Unfortunately, I overlooked a very important step: the van ride back to the yeshiva.

Normally, I'm in favor of the van. It is direct. It is private. It takes a relatively short amount of time. It is negotiable to time changes, unlike a public bus. For my parents, it means that I don't have to take public transportation which they deem risky. But after the nightmare that was today's ride, I might rather walk next time then take the bus.

For starters, the bus was full, every seat taken, the aisles (and my legroom!) crowded with the suitcases that people brought for their five-day vacation (as opposed to the smaller bags of the normal two-day weekend). Yet this wasn't the problem, though you will see that it was a contributing factor. No, the real problem was ventillation. This particular bus had no windows that opened, and the air conditioner didn't work. Combine that with the fact that we were travelling through a valley during the hours of high noon, and you will begin to understand how hot it was. To get a better sense of what it was like, I suggest reading the following out loud:

Hot. Pant. Gasp. Hot. Sweat. Need. Air. Need. Space. Need. Air. Hot. Hot. Pant. Drip. Gasp. Are. We. There. Yet. Are. We. There. Yet. Hot. Pant. Fan. No. Air. Need. Air. He. Took. Off. His. Shirt. It's. That. Hot. Hot. Hot. Sick. Hot. Are. We. There. Yet. Water. Hot. Cramp. Hot. Are. We. There. Yet. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot.

Read that four times in a row, while sitting in a sauna, and you will begin to get an idea of how hot it was.

For about two hours, I was in complete agony. I was dripping, drenched in sweat and a bottle of lukewarm water I poured over my head in a useless attempt to cool off. I was beginning to get sick. And, to top it all off, we were going an extra twenty minutes to a museum. I didn't want to go to a museum. I wanted to just get off that van. Thankfully, the bus driver overlooked his natural Israeli stubborness and found it in his heart to stop at the bottom of the mountain at Tzomet Ha'Etz, and Jason, Micah, Weiler and I alighted to a delightful breeze and cold water from the nearby gas station.

It is much easier to get a tramp (hitchhike) up the mountain from Tzomet Ha'Etz than from Poondak HaMa'ayan, and within five minutes I was back at the yeshiva. I took a few minutes to recuperate from that hideous ordeal, and now I am back in the swing of things.

Before I sign off for tonight, I want to mention that tonight I finished the sixth chapter of Tractate Bava Metziah with my chevruta Eitan Rubinstein. We've been working on it all year, and it's a good thing we finished today, since he's leaving the yeshiva Tuesday. Looking back, I'm not even sure what all of it was about. But I know we did something, and that my gmara reading skills improved tremendously.

Stretch run begins... now.

Ramot Control... okay, I just wanted to make that pun

I know I keep writing this, but I can't believe that I have just concluded my last free shabbat in Israel before the break. Today was my last full day in Israel in a place not called Gilboa. Because in less than two weeks, I am going home.

I spent shabbat at the Aminoffs' in Ramot, and I was a bit surprised to discover that Ronen's parents are not Israeli, but English and South African. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been too shocked; I think most of the students in my shiluv have parents who made aliyah. The four kids (Ronen is the third) all speak English with a British accent.

Friday night, after praying at a Sefardic synagogue, we ate Shabbat dinner that featured a zesty Hawaiian chicken, complete with pineapple chunks. Following dinner, we walked to Ramot 06, where we were joined by Ronen's friends Benjy (who made aliyah from LA) and Sarah (Brooklyn). We sat on a wet bench and talked for a while, then we walked to Bnei Akiva building of Ramot Bet, where we met up with YMGuy Yochai Greenfield. Ronen and I walked to his house and talked and laughed over sunflower seeds, hot tea, and date-flavored hamantaschen. They told me a story that left me in tears, the tale of Ronen making a warped balloon animal and giving it to Benjamin Epstein. "A puppy!" he said.

Apart from the davenning on Saturday (a Squidward impersonator led Mussaf), the day was typically relaxing. I took a good long nap, and read a hilarious book, "Carry On, Jeeves." P.G. Wodehouse's ten short stories tell of clueless Bertie Wooster and his faithful and domineering butler Jeeves, and are written in the British humor that is shared by Monty Python. I also took a walk with Ronen around Ramot, and he pointed out to me the surrounding neighborhoods of Jerusalem, such as Pisgat Zev, Ramat Eshkol, and a few other places I don't remember.

After shabbat, we went to town, to use the colloquial phrase. Ronen's friend Ori picked us up, and we drove to Emek Refaim. It was thoroughly infested with Americans. I realized how interesting it was for me to be saying that, as I myself am, in fact, an American. I think that being at YMG has influenced me somewhat in that regard, in that I see Americans in Israel in a different respect, that people at American programs seem very touristy. Or maybe I'm just too Israeli when I have no right to be.

We met Tzachi, another YMGuy, on Emek Refaim, and proceeded to dine at the cafe Caffit. Or, as we didn't really dine, we... what's the verb? Cafed? Well, I guess you could say we talked over hot chocolate and vegetable soup, hot liquids that felt very good against the brutal chill of mid-March in Jerusalem. After eating, we walked up and down the street. I waited for the Jerusalem Mentality to kick in, and who did we see? Hedi! Zev! Yehuda Lerea! A triumverate of YMGuys walking the streets (true, they were walking separately, but never mind). Ori, Ronen, Tzachi, Zev and I walked to the Bell Gardens and talked of politics, architecture, and who gave the Americans the Liberty Bell (I believe it was made in Philadelphia by a company called Pass & Stow, though I am not sure). We were out till about one, then we went home. Back to yeshiva tomorrow.

Shavua Tov.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I don't think anyone noticed the holiday here.

I spent the first part of Friday finishing "A Return to Modesty." Other than that, I just relaxed. I left around noon for my shabbat destination, slipping the key under the door I had just locked. I did not realize Ariel did not have a spare key, so for the next three hours he called me with updates with "I'm trying with a coat hanger" and "the left side of the door or the right?" and "did you shove it under or just slide it under?" Thankfully, just before shabbat, he called saying he recovered the key, so all's well that ends well.

I was spending the weekend at the residence of the Aminoffs', whose son Ronen is in my shiur. Ronen, as you may recall, is one of the resident jokers of the shiluv, organizing the Harry Potter siyum, the Tu B'shvat riddles, and other merrymaking amusements. I don't know why I threw that in here.

Ronen lives in Ramot, a suburb of Jerusalem. Or rather, one of the Ramots. There are six different Ramots: Ramot Aleph (1), Ramot Bet (2), Ramot Gimmel (3), Ramot Daled (4), Polish Ramot, and Ramot 06. I don't know why it's called Polish Ramot and not Ramot Hay (5), or why the sixth Ramot has a zero in front of the six. Thankfully, I had only to deal with Ramot Aleph, where Ronen lives.

And now I am here for shabbat. So shabbat shalom.

Yom Iyun and the Meaning of Sleep

Before I get to the main activities of today, I want to share a clever, spur-of-the-moment joke I made in Ariel's shiur. What I was doing in a shiur when I have more than enough of them in yeshiva, I don't know. Anyway, as I was a guest who had not been in the previous sessions, I was kind of daydreaming when the rabbi surprised me with "What is the Talmud student's greatest enemies, Mr. Bain?" This caught me completely by surprise. I was especially confused about the plural of "enemy." Thinking quickly on my feet, I answered the only plural Tamludic thing that came to mind: "The Tosfot" (medieval commentators on the gmara). This drew a big laugh. The correct answer, by the way, was vagueness, which apparently count for more than one enemy.

Thursday afternoon was a Yom Iyun, which basically meant that the yeshiva had a day of lectures in Jerusalem instead of at Mount Gilboa. The event, held in Jerusalem neighborhood Ramat Eshkol, occured in a synagogue that was extremely hard to find, but I managed to walk there and find it all on my own. For some reason, I arrived at exactly 1:15, which meant I was on time, which meant that, on Israeli terms, I was way too early.

There were three speakers: Rav Shmuel's brother Rami, who spoke about, in Ilan's words, "I don't know;" a certain Professor Broyer, who talked about the evolution of the Hebrew language with respect to Israeli Nobel Prize winner Shai Agnon; and Aviah Cohen, Chezi's teacher who gave a shiur in a Chezi-ish way (or rather, in a way that his pupil immitates). I wasn't that intrigued by any of the speeches, so I amused myself in other ways. I compared the appearances of the Reiners: Rami, his sons Yoav (in my shiluv) and Yonatan (a boger), and his brother Shmuel (Rav Shmuel). I looked for unusual patterns in David MD's afro. I wondered why Rav Bigman was always smiling. When all else failed, I compared how fast the different clocks were going.

After the lectures, which seemed to take forever, we walked about a mile to the house of a rebbe. Here are the highlights of what he said:

[Editor's note: I fell asleep in the middle. Or rather, somewhere towards the beginning. Since I can't write about what he said, I will describe my feelings on sleep. I've meant to write them for a while, so here they are:

Over the past six-plus months in Israel, I have struggled with sleep. I jokingly attribute all problems to jetlag, because sometimes the symptoms seem flight-related. I am tired at random times. Wait, that's about it, but it happens a lot. But there does seem to be a pattern to when I inexplicably fall asleep. Take, for instance, Rav Bigman's speech between Kabbalat Shabbat and Ma'ariv Friday night (though part of it may be due to the fact that I am usually up late Thursday night). Other times include Monday at 3:19 p.m., during Rav Shmuel's Dvar Torah Tuesdays at 8:20 p.m., and whenever Rav Elisha has been talking for more than an hour. In contrast, whenever I try to fall asleep at night, I can't. And when I finally do, I always wake up tired. The quality of sleep, a term I just made up, seems to be less for me here. In America, I could go to sleep at 11:30 and get up at 6:40, and feel energetic for the whole day. Here, I try to go to sleep at 10:30, get up at 9:15, and be tired for most of the day. I'm still trying to figure this out.]

Exhilirating.

After the lectures mercifully came to an end, Ezra, Benjamin and I went to the Malcha Mall to get dinner and hang out. We were joined by Weiler, who bought some weird books. We were going to see a movie, but since nothing remotely interesting was showing, we decided, well, not to see a movie. We got a quick dinner, walked around a bit, and called it a night.

The Merry Holiday of Purim II

As I mentioned yesterday, today is Purim in Jerusalem, otherwise known as Shushan Purim. It is called Shushan Purim because the Jews in Shushan had an extra day to vanquish their enemies, thus postponing the day of celebration from the fourteenth to the fifteenth of the month of Adar. That's fine and dandy, says I, but what about Jerusalem? It's not called Jerusalem Purim, is it? I discovered the answer in the gmara (Tractate Megillah), where the sages did not think it "fair" for Shushan to be granted special priveleges, but not Jerusalem. So they decided that all cities with walls from the time of Joshua (the Joshua part, by the way, is how they get a Pentateuchal tie to the holiday; it's somewhere in Deuteronomy) will celebrate Purim on the fifteenth. Walled cities from the time of Joshua-- Jericho, Shushan, and-- Jerusalem!

The upshot of all that is that I had to celebrate two days of Purim. I went to my fourth Megillah reading, this one at a shtieblach. I'm not quite sure what a shtieblach is, but I think it was Chasidic. While I'm on the topic of multiple Megillah readings, let me point out how different they all were. The first, read by AM at yeshiva on the night of the fourteenth, was fun and frolicky, with everyone in costume. The second, also read by AM at yeshiva the following morning, was business-like and brisk, as it was part of the morning Shacharit, but still lively. The third, by a rabbi at Ohr Sameach that night, was quick and efficient, though not that fun. And the fourth, at the shtieblach, was superfast and boring; they did not even stop so we could make noise for Haman!

That day, Ariel and I went Seudah hopping, as we went from feast to feast, celebrating the holiday. I had enough celebrating after about two feasts, but we kept going. At one feast, the rabbis gave out money for answering Purim questions, but as the prize was between ten and fifty agorot a question, and as some semi-drunk students were very competitive for the reward, I chose not to play.

I realize that I probably did not capture fully the Purim experience, but I don't think I have anything else to write about the feasts other than there were a lot of them, and went on for a long time, hence precluding me from writing anything else. The last thing I can say is that people all over Jerusalem showed their love of the holiday by setting off firecrackers about every thirty seconds. A loud boom! went off at a seemingly regular pace, and just when you though there was a moment of quiet, some kids compensated with about twenty poppers.

After two long days, I am going to sleep. Later.

The Merry Holiday of Purim

Editor's note: the posts dated March 13-19 were not written on those dates. Since the writer had no access to a computer over the vacation, he wrote notes about his activities. The following are his expoundings on those notes.

I realize that I did not complete my description of the Purim night celebration at the yeshiva. After the Megillah reading, there indeed was a party at 10 p.m. Held in the lunchroom, the party featured four good things that every Purim party should have: music, dancing, drinking, and rabbis. Music: six students got a band together and called themselves "The Six Books of the Mishnah." They were Omer Zilber (guitar, vocals), Natan Drucker (vocals), Yakir Ben-Aliz (guitar), Roi Ravitzky (keyboard), Moshiko Fogel (drums) and Avraham Kellner (harmonica). Dancing: There was a lot of it. And almost all of it in circles. We went round and round so many times that it made the Spinning Teacup ride at Disneyland seem linear. Perhaps that's why we drink on Purim; so that the dancing doesn't seem so repetitive. Drinking: The yeshiva provided a bar with a selection of alcoholic beverages. As it says in the Megillah, "In accordance with the law, the drinking was not compulsory; for so the king had instructed all the officials of his house, that they should do according to every man's pleasure (Esther 1:8)". I drank a little, but I did not get drunk, and I don't think most people did either. Rabbis: all the rabbis were there, helping us celebrate. I experienced a sense of community at the party, with everyone dancing arm in arm, student and teacher, to the beat of the same drummer.

This morning after davenning and Megillah we performed the second of the four Purim commandments, the festive meal, by having a lasagna brunch with Rav Yossi and his family. By the way, the other two commandments are giving comestibles to a friend and charity to the poor. Immediately after the food, we boarded the van for non-stop service to Jerusalem. Since my host was not expecting me for another day, I read most of the afternoon away at the place of my stay, Yeshivat Ohr Sameach. The literature of my perusal was Wendy Shalit's "A Return to Modesty," a New York Times bestseller. In addition to have wanted to read it for awhile, it seems to be quite helpful for my Rav Elisha project about modesty.

Since Ariel Hausman was still running late, I headed over to the yeshiva for the Megillah reading. Now wait one second, you say. Megillah reading? Didn't Yoni do that yesterday... twice? Well, yes. However, since I was in Jerusalem on the fifteenth of Adar, which is Purim in Jerusalem (as opposed to the fourteenth, which is Purim everywhere else), I was obligated in all the commandments again. The fourteenth everywhere, the fifteenth in Jerusalem. I just had to ask-- if I was in Jerusalem for the fourteenth and elsewhere for the fifteenth, would I be obligated? The answer, unfortunately, is yes. You can be obligated for two Purims, but not for none.

So after my third Megillah reading, I went to a festive dinner with Ariel's class at the yeshiva. They called on me for an inpromptu Dvar Torah, but since I happened to remember a Purim-related lecture from the yeshiva, I was spared from embarrassment.

After dinner, we went to the apparently yeshiva-world-famous Ohr Sameach Purim Shpiel (shpiel is another word for "play"). The Shpiel was put on by some Ohr Sameach Ba'al Teshuvahs (people who became religious) who were professional writers, directors, and actors in their former lives. Other than my qualm with the longish lengthy long length of the performance, I must admit that it was quite well-done. Although most of the yeshiva jokes went over my head (as I imagine parts of the Americans' play did when you read the script), it was very funny. Some clever song parodies, clever wordplay, and Rabbi Monopoly highlighted the performance of "The Big Shmuze," a parody of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol."

When the night finally ended, I got back to the dorms and immediately fell asleep.

Costume Party

Forgive me for not writing, especially during this month replete with goings-on, but there have been technical difficulties with the internet on the mountaintop. And coupled with the fact that I will be off for five days and probably will not have the opportunity to write for a while, this could not have come at a worse time. Thankfully, the internet is working again, and so too am I.

We fasted today because it is the Fast of Esther, but since it is only a half-fast (sunrise to sunset), a lot of people decided to stay up all night and eat (not to stay up all night just to eat, but using the need to eat before the fast as a reason to stay up all night). Some people learned, but the Settlers gang held a Settlers of Catan marathon. We bought pizza, pita, Coke, and brownies, and played the night away. Everyone, I think, recorded at least one victory. The crowd, which peaked at six, dwindled as the night grew late, but we kept at it, the last game finishing shortly before the 6:00 a.m. minyan with the kibbutz, which I attended.

Since I stayed up all night, I slept all day, waking up at 3:15 to go to the makolet to get some food for my Gamad and Anak and mishloach manot. As today was the last day of G&A, all the Gamads diverged their identities to their Anaks. Matan was pleased to know who was giving him food, though I don't think he knows my name. And I learned that Tzachi Cohen was my Gamad, secretly giving me food for the last week. Well done!

As I mentioned in my Shabbat Zachor post, a big part of Purim is dressing up. Ilan, who is a professional clown, had his whole clown make-up kit, wigs, noses, and other clown devices. I did not bring a disguise kit with Various Finery Disguises or Veiled Facial Disguises or Voice Faking Disguises, but I made do with what I had. I dressed up as Ilan, with his fruity shirt and beret and balloons and sandals. Josh, the last roommate, wore a suit with a fake mustache, which did not stay on the entire evening.

The Fast of Esther immediately yielded to the reading of the scroll of Esther, and Purim. AM, one of the people in my shiluv who did not want to be named or photographed, read the Megillah. There was some dancing afterward, then we went to dinner, which was our break-fast (not to be confused with breakfast or brakefast). After some announcements by Moti, we dispersed. For some reason, the party was planned for three hours after the Megillah. Whatever.

I'll finish the blurbs later...
The Top Ten Costumes of Purim 2006

10. Moshiko Fogel as "Weird Guy with a Pipe"
Moshiko also was the drummer for the celebration. I don't know what he is supposed to be here. Nevertheless, it was still quite funny.




9. Tzachi Cohen as "Mr. Toga"
To quote Yehonatan Belushi, "Toga, Toga!"




8. Eitan Rubinstein and Steven Exler as "Steven Exler and Eitan Rubinstein"
In this clever display of costumatic efficiency, Eitan and Steven, who are roommates, dressed up as each other. How clever! Eitan wore Steven's jacket, while Steven commented frequently on "a comparisson of semitic languages" and often said "beautiful!"


7. David Mayer-Deutsch as "God Knows What That is Supposed to Be"
There's a bear mask on his massive afro, he's wearing pant legs over his arms and a shirt between his legs... and it still might not qualify as one of the strangest things DMD has done.




6. David-Zvi Epstein, Yehuda Lerea, Micah Koplow, and Aharon Kalman as "Amish Man, Sir Half-Beard, The Dude, and Pink"
David Zvi, who would later shave his beard, is apprarently Amish. Yeuhda borrowed my Purim idea of last year (though he claims that he heard it from another friend, an alibi I highly suspect to be fictitious) and shaved but half his beard. Micah decided to be The Dude from "The Big Lebowski," as evidenced by the robe, slippers, and sunglasses. And Aharon just wanted to be in the picture, and was wearing a shockingly-pink pair of overalls.

5. Daniel Marans as "The Only Girl at YMG"
He wore the same wig when he played Marina in our Purim play, but his disguise was still quite funny. So too, by the way, was the fact that half the guys here were making a pass at him. Kidding!





4. Adam Weiler as "Himself"
I feel this needs no explanation.


3. Yuval Avni and Yair Agmon as "The Two Isaiahs"
A word of explanation about the Isaiahs. he mentioned that the book of Isaiah is written in two different narrative styles, with chapters 1-39 being different from 40-66. These two guys were the two Isaiahs. Get it? I don't really; I In one of Chezi's shiurs, wasn't at the shiur.



2. Ilan, Josh, and Yoni as "Clown, Mustache Man, and Ilan"
As I mentioned above, Ilan brought his whole clown costume and clown accessories with him, and I suspect he brought all that from America just for today. Again, as I mentioned, I did not have a costume, so I was Ilan. Josh's mustache was on for basically the length of this picture before falling off.


1. Benjamin Epstein as "Ezra Fishman"
Now isn't that just the best Ezra costume you've ever seen? I couldn't even tell that it was Benjamin!

Shabbat Zachor

The holiday of Purim contains many themes--triangular pastries, loud noisemakers, and delivering baskets of food-- but one of the important ones is ונהפוך הוא, a term from the Megillah which means "and it was reversed." This refers to the miraculous reversal of roles, as the fate of Persian Jewry went from extermination to jubilation with the help of Mordechai, Esther, and a guy named Charvona, who should be remembered for good.

Purim is a bit like Topsy-Turvy day or Opposite Day in that people do all sorts of crazy opposite things to celebrate ונהפוך הוא. Hence, dressing up, a Purim custom, and getting drunk, a Purim ordinance oft more religiously observed than the holiday itself (must be 21 0r 0lder in the US). And at yeshiva, Shabbat Zachor, the shabbat before Purim, is the time to do it all crazy.

Speaking of craziness and backwardness, this post will also be a bit crazy and backwards from now on. Some words might be sdrawkcab (backwards), while some might be Grandma Mae (anagrammed), and some might be just plain hammock (random words). In all events, I will attempt to place these words in bold to make it easier, and perhaps I will even post at the end the correct words for those of you who need it.

First, a brief word about Shabbat Zachor. As mentioned above, Zachor is the shabbat before Purim, and on this shabbat we review some of the biblical back-story of Purim. The Maftir is from a section of ymonoretued where the Jews are commanded to eradicate the existence of Amalek. The Haftarah comes from the Samuel I, where the prophet Samuel revokes King Saul's kingship for his failure to kill all the Amalekites in a war. The spared Amalekite king, Agag, is the ancestor of Haman, while Mordechai and Esther, descendents of Saul, rectify their predecessor's mistake by eradicating the line of Amalek. With the back-story in place, we can proceed to read the Megillah. Or in our case, go on with the rest of this post.

Some arrived in the I am the birds ready for the holiday in costume, for the most part, hats. I wore this hat, while Micah, Jason, Nadav, and Yudah also wore hats. A scant few took costuming to a whole new level. Benjamin Epstein wore all his clothes backwards, David MD wore a crazy… something. Eitan Berkovitz took the cake with a Scottish beret and kilt.

Kabbalat Shabbat, organized by Ilan and Yonadav Engleberg, was a prime example of ונהפך הוא. All of the yeshiva favorite tunes for reading the psalms were replaced with contemporary songs and melodies, mostly led by the choir. The level of congregational noitapicitrap varied on the given tune. Most people joined in on songs such as "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and "Moshe Roseman Precambrian." Other songs were just the choir, such as "Amazing Grace" and "She Loves You" and the theme songs of "Star Wars" and "Rocky." And one lamps, instead of the traditional circle dancing, featured the bunny hop. I liked the changes, but since the surprise tunes limited communal participation, my feelings about the service are mixed.

There was also a special-made Purim newsletter. The "Ten Wrestle," written by some of the students, was a total farce. It featured stupid riddles, silly puns, faux Dvar Torahs, and wacky pictures. There were also pictures of the rabbis when they were young, uh, younger. Finally, on the back, was a page of gmara… except that it wasn't really a page of gmara. It looked like a gmara… it was shaped like a gmara… someone even told me it tasted like a gmara. But it wasn't a gmara at all! It was a joke gmara, and though I haven't read it yet, I've heard that it is hilarious.

After a festive dinner… wait, who am I kidding? The food was exactly the same, with a peachy wine instead of the normal antifreeze/wine they usually serve us. And apart from the fact that a lot of bogers were here, it was more or less a regular shabbat meal. Anyway, after the meal, we cleared the food and made a stage out of tables, and formed audience rows in a semicircle around the new performance space.

The Americans performed first, and the crowd loved us. The premise of the play, for those of you who didn't read it, is that all the Americans play an exaggerated version of themselves. For the plot, our van gets lost in a weird S lens and we are like the TV show "Lost." Among the highlights of the performance were Adam Weiler attacking Benjamin with a knife while covered in chocolate sauce, David MD pulling lollipops from his afro, and the one of the stage tables caving in while we were standing on it. Since there were so many of us, each person had only so many lines. I got most of my laughs on two lines: writing for my blog on the ground with a big stick, and running onto the stage with a huge sack of cucumbers. We were a magenta success.

Next was a Dvar Torah. Rav Shmuel, rabbi on duty for shabbat, gave a short speech commenting on the newsletter's fake gmara. It was pretty funny and extremely medium-rare, since he improv'd it, threw in real gmara terms, and kept a straight face until the very end. At the end of the night, he would later say that this was the best Shabbat Zachor ever at the yeshiva.

Finally came the much-anticipated Israeli Purim skit. The plot was two prospective students looking around the yeshiva, but it was so much more than that. The performers made fun of the rabbits (and some of the students) with incredible accuracy and comedic timing. Moshe Roseman narrated in a mock-serious voice, while Marans and Nadav played the straight-man roles of the students. Zvi portrayed deep-voiced Rav Shmuel, serious typist Aryeh Bernstein, and gave an excellent performance as the Green Board (a nitellub board where students write poetry, debate over all sorts of issues, and post thoughts). The stars of the performance, in my opinion anyway, were Ronen and Yochai, who also co-wrote the script. Ronen played a range of characters, including lunchlady Marina, Yoni Kirby, Brody, and Chezi. Yochai, however, was the yeshiva's version of SNL's Darryl Hammond, impersonating the following with astounding skill and humor: grumpy boger Tzachi; sweater-seller Moshiko; Americans Ezra, Ilan, and Josh; Israelis Asor and Yoav; Rav Meir and Rav Yitzchak; and, in what I thought was his best act, an argument between Rav Yossi and Rav Bigman in which he played both of them.

And other than Cholent Bowl IX, shabbat is over. I only have one more In Shabbat left!

Shavua tov.


Altered words:
Deuteronomy (backwards); Beit Midrash (anagrammed); participation (backwards); psalm (anagrammed); newsletter (anagrammed); wilderness (anagrammed); smash (random); well-done (random); rabbis (random); bulletin (backwards)

Purim Play of the Americans

Performed Friday night.
A lot of inside jokes, so if you don't get it, so be it. You should have been there.
Note: everything in Hebrew.

Scene: Ezra sitting on the van.
“6:55” – Ezra alone in the middle of a book.
“7:00 – Departure time” – Ezra at end of the book.
“7:05 “ Ezra finishes book and opens long gmara.
“7:10” – David Zvi and Ben Epstein come on
David Zvi: How ya doin, Epsteyn.
Benjamin: I’m alright, Epsteen.
David Zvi: Um, it’s Epsteyn
Benjamin: No, it’s Epsteen.
David Zvi: No, I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Benjamin (to audience): [Jamin sigh] It’s not easy being green.
David Zvi: I heard that.
Jamin looks flustered
DZ: STAM!
They get on hasa’a, Ezra has now reached the middle of the maschet and finished his fist notebook. They sit.
Yoni and Micah and Yehuda enter.
Yoni: What do you think? Should the play be in Hebrew?
Micah: Well, most of the people here do understand English, despite their being "Israeli" and all…
Yehuda: I like English.
Yoni: Well, they certainly use our computers enough to understand English…
Micah: Yeah, but we'll get more laughs if we do it in bad Hebrew.
Yehuda: Like "ani oheb et ha pitza"
Yoni: Okay, Hebrew it is.
Micah: And we already started the play in Hebrew anyway.
Yehuda: (in Hebrew) In essence, we just debated if we should do the play in bad Hebrew or good English. Since you are all Israelis, we will do it in bad Hebrew.
David Zvi: (in English) Magenta Pig!
“7:23 - awkward silence”
“7:35 – driver threatens to leave”
“7:45” – Josh, Ilan, Kirby run on frantically.
Josh: Where’s DMD?
David waltzes on in DMD dance.

Marans (as lunchlady Marina): Hey, who is Toran today?Ezra: Marina, we are already on the van.
Marina: Oh, so you think that since you are on the van, you don't have to do Toranut?
Kirby: Yeah.
Marina: That is not acceptable. Here, take some leftover borekasim. Pini…
Marans (as Pini, smoking multiple cigarettes): Hey Marina, bring me the…

Josh: Ready!

Pantomime van driving really fast.

Josh [warming up to driver]: Hey driver! Would you like some of the leftover borekasim? Huh? Huh?

[Driver takes] Suddenly everyone leans right, leans left, falls off seats to the right.

Benjamin (panicking): What's going on? What's going on?

Micah [very sarcastic pessimistic indifferent]: Oh, it’s probably nothing. Probably just the driver had a heart attack from all the oil in that borekasim and we’re all gonna crash and die and whatever.

Everyone screams. Sudden stop. Panting.

Kirby: We’ve stopped!
Ilan [singing]: Tov Meod!

Josh peers out, looks around
Josh: Hey guys, I think we’re… Josh hand thing, introducing big topic
All: LOST!
Marans walks on with a sign “lost” in English.

Ezra: Or in Hebrew, “לוסט”!
Marans flips over sign to show "לוסט"
Ilan: Marans, where have you been?
Marans: Sorry, I got caught up.
Ilan: You missed the whole first scene.
Marans: Oh yeah, sorry. What did I miss?
Ilan: We’re lost.
Marans: Oh. Sababa.

Ezra raises his hand.
Micah: Ezra, there’s no teacher here.
Ezra continues to raise hand
Micah: Um, OK, “yes Ezra”?

Ezra: I just learned this case in the g’mara, about murder by boreikas on a donkey. [Goes into g’mara tune. And hand motions.] Iiiiiif the כלי was less than כדי להמית בו, or it wasn’t edible to begin with, than he’s פטור, because he used it שלא כדרכה. From this, Rabbi Yehuda says, there are borekasim that cannot be eaten. But iiiiiiif (Ilan comes in harmonizing) the borkeikas could be eaten, and the murder had intent, then the question becomes כח-כחו.

Yehuda comes in Bass – “Koach Kocho”

Short song, in harmony:
Ilan: But what about the Tosfot
David Zvi: Tosfot (3rd)Yoni: Tosfot (5th)
Yehuda: Tosfot (7th)

Benjamin (non singing): Tosfot!

Marans: So guys, what’s the conclusion?
David Zvi: It’s a מחלוקת, I think.
Micah: Wait, do you really know or are you just saying that to sound like you know what you’re talking about?
David Zvi: It’s a מחלוקת. It’s always a מחלוקת.

Yoni takes a big stick and starts carving in the ground.
Marans: Yoni. Dude. What are you doing?
Yoni: oh, I just have to write this down for my blog.

David has been standing off to the side the whole time. Suddenly:
David [very slowly] : Hey guys. Where are we?
Micah: Um, you serious? Our bus driver died from a fatal oil induced heart attack and we’re lost.
David: Oh. [Another long pause.] Big smile. Cool.

Yehuda: Hey guys! I found something!
David Zvi: Yeah, it looks like an inscription!
Ezra: Or in Hebrew, אינצקריפציה!
Josh: What does it say?
Yehuda (reading): “Aaron Abramson finished the gmara here. Eighth time through. Shana Aleph."

Benjamin: I wonder what kind of barbarians live in this place.

Suddenly, Weiler, shirtless and painted in mud (chocolate sauce) jumps out with a huge knife and starts mumbling and pointing at things.

Yoni: Whoa. How long have YOU been here.

Weiler mumbles. Points to random things.

Kirby: I don’t think he speaks English. Whoa.

Josh [in “I’m the man” Josh mode]: Guys, I’ll handle this.
Walks up to Weiler.
Josh: (a bunch of "like"s, "you know"s, and tongue clicks)

Weiler mumbles more and points randomly.

Josh: (more "like"s, "you know"s, and tongue clicks)

Weiler mumbles more.

Josh (to the group): He says there is plenty of nourishment in this place and a short search around the island should prove fruitful.

Everyone stares.

Josh: So guys, let’s split up and look!

Everyone runs off, except Micah, Kirby and Yehuda.

Micah: Anybody want to watch a movie?
Kirby: Cool!
Yehuda: How?
Micah: On my computer--
Enter Israeli Eitan.
Eitan: HeyamericansisitallrightifIborrowyourcomputertowatchamoviethanksbye. (takes the computer and leaves)

People start returning with stuff. DZ comes back with a Canadian flag Josh comes back with lots of refet T-shirts.

Ilan (returning with lots of hats): Look, I’m Chilean. Look, I’m Che Guevera. Look, I have lots of hair. Look, I have no hair. I feel so alive.

David Zvi (with a Canadian flag): Wow, this changes everything. There may be people like me in this place.
Dream-look. Weiler, Benjamin, and Marans, come on with red Smile at audience. Then exit (beards off).

Josh (with Refet T-shirts): Guys, I don’t think any of this is gonna help.

Benjamin [runs on]: Hey y’all I found something really good!
Kirby: What?
Ilan: Where is it?
Benjamin: Wait, it’s here somewhere. Suddenly jerks and jumps really high. Pants and sighs finally. Reaches into pocket and pulls out a cell phone. Yeah, here it is. Wow, I can’t escape.

Yehuda: Who is it?
Jamin: He hung up. I think someone here is out to get me...

David comes on dancing randomly.
Josh: Hey David, what did you find?
David looks at him: [Long silence, and big smile.] Huh?
Ilan: You were supposed to be looking for food!
David [long pause] [slowly]: Oh. Yeah?
David Zvi: David, what’s the weather like on your planet?
David [stares at him a while, big smile]: It’s good.

Ezra comes on really excited
Ezra: Guys! Guess what! I finally found the meaning of life! It’s so simple. There are no problems or anything! I know why everything exists and I can reduce the gmara to five simple equations! I have no more questions and you don’t have to either! Just listen –

Yoni comes running in:
Yoni: Hey guys! I found lots of cucumbers.
Everyone cheers and flocks to Yoni.

Ezra: אני לא מסקים!

Weiler comes bounding on with his steak knife and a Barney stuffed animal..
Micah: FOOD!
Everyone cheers.
DZ: STAM! It’s not kosher.
Weiler stops. Shrugs. Throws boar out and goes for Benjamin with his knife.

Benjamin: No! What’re you doing! You’re not making any sense!
Weiler shrugs and backs off, muttering “bad weiler, bad bad bad weiler”. Benjamin continues ranting, more and more panicky.
Benjamin: None of this makes sense! No, I don’t get it! Ah AH What am I doing here??

Ilan and Yehuda try to restrain him, but he throws them to the ground
Benjamin: NO! I CAN’T! AHHH!!!!
Benjamin runs off into the woods with the wild boar over his head. Jumps at edge of stage.
Benjamin: Ah! My phone!
Runs off.

Ezra: Listen, why can’t you guys appreciate deep conversation about the meaning of life? You know what, this means war!
Ezra pulls out sunglasses and assumes a "Matrix" position on one foot. He stands on one side against everyone else.
Ezra: Yeah, I’ll beat you all, and I’ll do it על רגל אחת!!

Yoni: You mean ואהבת לרעך כמוך?
Everyone stares at him.

Weiler: CHARGE!

Action theme music. Yehuda runs at Ezra in slow-motion. At the last moment Ezra sticks out his ribs in a giant stretch and Yehuda misses and goes flying offstage.

Ilan: Careful! He has no back!

Josh runs up and does Josh hands. Ezra deflects with thumb maneuver and throws Josh aside.
Ezra: תמיד למדתי את זה בתיכון!

SLOW MOTION: Whole group starts throwing things. David starts dancing. Ilan conducts the throwing. Ezra bends over backwards Matrix style, and dodges it all.

Yoni: Oh no! What do we do now?
Suddenly, a howling from the back.

Yehuda: What’s that?
Kirby: It can’t be!
David Zvi: It’s too horrible!
Ilan: It is! It’s Eitan Slotnick!!

Howl again

Josh: Let’s get out of here!
Everyone runs off, except David, who keeps dancing.

[Rav Yossi, Eitan's father, comes wearing his son's kippa, with chocolate sauce smeared over his face]

David [dances for a while. Suddenly stops, looks down]: Hey Eitan. [pause] Want a candy?
Eitan: OK.
David pulls lollipop out of his afro and gives it to Eitan. Then pulls one out for himself, pops it in and starts dancing off stage. Almost off, and Marans runs in

Marans: Oh man, sorry I’m late again. What did I miss?
David [pause]: Hey. I think the play’s over.
Marans: Oh yeah. I’m cool with that, I’m cool. Sababa.
The two of them dance off, David- style.

END