Purim Play of the Americans
Performed Friday night.
A lot of inside jokes, so if you don't get it, so be it. You should have been there.
Note: everything in Hebrew.
Scene: Ezra sitting on the van.
“6:55” – Ezra alone in the middle of a book.
“7:00 – Departure time” – Ezra at end of the book.
“7:05 “ Ezra finishes book and opens long gmara.
“7:10” – David Zvi and Ben Epstein come on
David Zvi: How ya doin, Epsteyn.
Benjamin: I’m alright, Epsteen.
David Zvi: Um, it’s Epsteyn
Benjamin: No, it’s Epsteen.
David Zvi: No, I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Benjamin (to audience): [Jamin sigh] It’s not easy being green.
David Zvi: I heard that.
Jamin looks flustered
DZ: STAM!
They get on hasa’a, Ezra has now reached the middle of the maschet and finished his fist notebook. They sit.
Yoni and Micah and Yehuda enter.
Yoni: What do you think? Should the play be in Hebrew?
Micah: Well, most of the people here do understand English, despite their being "Israeli" and all…
Yehuda: I like English.
Yoni: Well, they certainly use our computers enough to understand English…
Micah: Yeah, but we'll get more laughs if we do it in bad Hebrew.
Yehuda: Like "ani oheb et ha pitza"
Yoni: Okay, Hebrew it is.
Micah: And we already started the play in Hebrew anyway.
Yehuda: (in Hebrew) In essence, we just debated if we should do the play in bad Hebrew or good English. Since you are all Israelis, we will do it in bad Hebrew.
David Zvi: (in English) Magenta Pig!
“7:23 - awkward silence”
“7:35 – driver threatens to leave”
“7:45” – Josh, Ilan, Kirby run on frantically.
Josh: Where’s DMD?
David waltzes on in DMD dance.
Marans (as lunchlady Marina): Hey, who is Toran today?Ezra: Marina, we are already on the van.
Marina: Oh, so you think that since you are on the van, you don't have to do Toranut?
Kirby: Yeah.
Marina: That is not acceptable. Here, take some leftover borekasim. Pini…
Marans (as Pini, smoking multiple cigarettes): Hey Marina, bring me the…
Josh: Ready!
Pantomime van driving really fast.
Josh [warming up to driver]: Hey driver! Would you like some of the leftover borekasim? Huh? Huh?
[Driver takes] Suddenly everyone leans right, leans left, falls off seats to the right.
Benjamin (panicking): What's going on? What's going on?
Micah [very sarcastic pessimistic indifferent]: Oh, it’s probably nothing. Probably just the driver had a heart attack from all the oil in that borekasim and we’re all gonna crash and die and whatever.
Everyone screams. Sudden stop. Panting.
Kirby: We’ve stopped!
Ilan [singing]: Tov Meod!
Josh peers out, looks around
Josh: Hey guys, I think we’re… Josh hand thing, introducing big topic
All: LOST!
Marans walks on with a sign “lost” in English.
Ezra: Or in Hebrew, “לוסט”!
Marans flips over sign to show "לוסט"
Ilan: Marans, where have you been?
Marans: Sorry, I got caught up.
Ilan: You missed the whole first scene.
Marans: Oh yeah, sorry. What did I miss?
Ilan: We’re lost.
Marans: Oh. Sababa.
Ezra raises his hand.
Micah: Ezra, there’s no teacher here.
Ezra continues to raise hand
Micah: Um, OK, “yes Ezra”?
Ezra: I just learned this case in the g’mara, about murder by boreikas on a donkey. [Goes into g’mara tune. And hand motions.] Iiiiiif the כלי was less than כדי להמית בו, or it wasn’t edible to begin with, than he’s פטור, because he used it שלא כדרכה. From this, Rabbi Yehuda says, there are borekasim that cannot be eaten. But iiiiiiif (Ilan comes in harmonizing) the borkeikas could be eaten, and the murder had intent, then the question becomes כח-כחו.
Yehuda comes in Bass – “Koach Kocho”
Short song, in harmony:
Ilan: But what about the Tosfot
David Zvi: Tosfot (3rd)Yoni: Tosfot (5th)
Yehuda: Tosfot (7th)
Benjamin (non singing): Tosfot!
Marans: So guys, what’s the conclusion?
David Zvi: It’s a מחלוקת, I think.
Micah: Wait, do you really know or are you just saying that to sound like you know what you’re talking about?
David Zvi: It’s a מחלוקת. It’s always a מחלוקת.
Yoni takes a big stick and starts carving in the ground.
Marans: Yoni. Dude. What are you doing?
Yoni: oh, I just have to write this down for my blog.
David has been standing off to the side the whole time. Suddenly:
David [very slowly] : Hey guys. Where are we?
Micah: Um, you serious? Our bus driver died from a fatal oil induced heart attack and we’re lost.
David: Oh. [Another long pause.] Big smile. Cool.
Yehuda: Hey guys! I found something!
David Zvi: Yeah, it looks like an inscription!
Ezra: Or in Hebrew, אינצקריפציה!
Josh: What does it say?
Yehuda (reading): “Aaron Abramson finished the gmara here. Eighth time through. Shana Aleph."
Benjamin: I wonder what kind of barbarians live in this place.
Suddenly, Weiler, shirtless and painted in mud (chocolate sauce) jumps out with a huge knife and starts mumbling and pointing at things.
Yoni: Whoa. How long have YOU been here.
Weiler mumbles. Points to random things.
Kirby: I don’t think he speaks English. Whoa.
Josh [in “I’m the man” Josh mode]: Guys, I’ll handle this.
Walks up to Weiler.
Josh: (a bunch of "like"s, "you know"s, and tongue clicks)
Weiler mumbles more and points randomly.
Josh: (more "like"s, "you know"s, and tongue clicks)
Weiler mumbles more.
Josh (to the group): He says there is plenty of nourishment in this place and a short search around the island should prove fruitful.
Everyone stares.
Josh: So guys, let’s split up and look!
Everyone runs off, except Micah, Kirby and Yehuda.
Micah: Anybody want to watch a movie?
Kirby: Cool!
Yehuda: How?
Micah: On my computer--
Enter Israeli Eitan.
Eitan: HeyamericansisitallrightifIborrowyourcomputertowatchamoviethanksbye. (takes the computer and leaves)
People start returning with stuff. DZ comes back with a Canadian flag Josh comes back with lots of refet T-shirts.
Ilan (returning with lots of hats): Look, I’m Chilean. Look, I’m Che Guevera. Look, I have lots of hair. Look, I have no hair. I feel so alive.
David Zvi (with a Canadian flag): Wow, this changes everything. There may be people like me in this place.
Dream-look. Weiler, Benjamin, and Marans, come on with red Smile at audience. Then exit (beards off).
Josh (with Refet T-shirts): Guys, I don’t think any of this is gonna help.
Benjamin [runs on]: Hey y’all I found something really good!
Kirby: What?
Ilan: Where is it?
Benjamin: Wait, it’s here somewhere. Suddenly jerks and jumps really high. Pants and sighs finally. Reaches into pocket and pulls out a cell phone. Yeah, here it is. Wow, I can’t escape.
Yehuda: Who is it?
Jamin: He hung up. I think someone here is out to get me...
David comes on dancing randomly.
Josh: Hey David, what did you find?
David looks at him: [Long silence, and big smile.] Huh?
Ilan: You were supposed to be looking for food!
David [long pause] [slowly]: Oh. Yeah?
David Zvi: David, what’s the weather like on your planet?
David [stares at him a while, big smile]: It’s good.
Ezra comes on really excited
Ezra: Guys! Guess what! I finally found the meaning of life! It’s so simple. There are no problems or anything! I know why everything exists and I can reduce the gmara to five simple equations! I have no more questions and you don’t have to either! Just listen –
Yoni comes running in:
Yoni: Hey guys! I found lots of cucumbers.
Everyone cheers and flocks to Yoni.
Ezra: אני לא מסקים!
Weiler comes bounding on with his steak knife and a Barney stuffed animal..
Micah: FOOD!
Everyone cheers.
DZ: STAM! It’s not kosher.
Weiler stops. Shrugs. Throws boar out and goes for Benjamin with his knife.
Benjamin: No! What’re you doing! You’re not making any sense!
Weiler shrugs and backs off, muttering “bad weiler, bad bad bad weiler”. Benjamin continues ranting, more and more panicky.
Benjamin: None of this makes sense! No, I don’t get it! Ah AH What am I doing here??
Ilan and Yehuda try to restrain him, but he throws them to the ground
Benjamin: NO! I CAN’T! AHHH!!!!
Benjamin runs off into the woods with the wild boar over his head. Jumps at edge of stage.
Benjamin: Ah! My phone!
Runs off.
Ezra: Listen, why can’t you guys appreciate deep conversation about the meaning of life? You know what, this means war!
Ezra pulls out sunglasses and assumes a "Matrix" position on one foot. He stands on one side against everyone else.
Ezra: Yeah, I’ll beat you all, and I’ll do it על רגל אחת!!
Yoni: You mean ואהבת לרעך כמוך?
Everyone stares at him.
Weiler: CHARGE!
Action theme music. Yehuda runs at Ezra in slow-motion. At the last moment Ezra sticks out his ribs in a giant stretch and Yehuda misses and goes flying offstage.
Ilan: Careful! He has no back!
Josh runs up and does Josh hands. Ezra deflects with thumb maneuver and throws Josh aside.
Ezra: תמיד למדתי את זה בתיכון!
SLOW MOTION: Whole group starts throwing things. David starts dancing. Ilan conducts the throwing. Ezra bends over backwards Matrix style, and dodges it all.
Yoni: Oh no! What do we do now?
Suddenly, a howling from the back.
Yehuda: What’s that?
Kirby: It can’t be!
David Zvi: It’s too horrible!
Ilan: It is! It’s Eitan Slotnick!!
Howl again
Josh: Let’s get out of here!
Everyone runs off, except David, who keeps dancing.
[Rav Yossi, Eitan's father, comes wearing his son's kippa, with chocolate sauce smeared over his face]
David [dances for a while. Suddenly stops, looks down]: Hey Eitan. [pause] Want a candy?
Eitan: OK.
David pulls lollipop out of his afro and gives it to Eitan. Then pulls one out for himself, pops it in and starts dancing off stage. Almost off, and Marans runs in
Marans: Oh man, sorry I’m late again. What did I miss?
David [pause]: Hey. I think the play’s over.
Marans: Oh yeah. I’m cool with that, I’m cool. Sababa.
The two of them dance off, David- style.
END
A lot of inside jokes, so if you don't get it, so be it. You should have been there.
Note: everything in Hebrew.
Scene: Ezra sitting on the van.
“6:55” – Ezra alone in the middle of a book.
“7:00 – Departure time” – Ezra at end of the book.
“7:05 “ Ezra finishes book and opens long gmara.
“7:10” – David Zvi and Ben Epstein come on
David Zvi: How ya doin, Epsteyn.
Benjamin: I’m alright, Epsteen.
David Zvi: Um, it’s Epsteyn
Benjamin: No, it’s Epsteen.
David Zvi: No, I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Benjamin (to audience): [Jamin sigh] It’s not easy being green.
David Zvi: I heard that.
Jamin looks flustered
DZ: STAM!
They get on hasa’a, Ezra has now reached the middle of the maschet and finished his fist notebook. They sit.
Yoni and Micah and Yehuda enter.
Yoni: What do you think? Should the play be in Hebrew?
Micah: Well, most of the people here do understand English, despite their being "Israeli" and all…
Yehuda: I like English.
Yoni: Well, they certainly use our computers enough to understand English…
Micah: Yeah, but we'll get more laughs if we do it in bad Hebrew.
Yehuda: Like "ani oheb et ha pitza"
Yoni: Okay, Hebrew it is.
Micah: And we already started the play in Hebrew anyway.
Yehuda: (in Hebrew) In essence, we just debated if we should do the play in bad Hebrew or good English. Since you are all Israelis, we will do it in bad Hebrew.
David Zvi: (in English) Magenta Pig!
“7:23 - awkward silence”
“7:35 – driver threatens to leave”
“7:45” – Josh, Ilan, Kirby run on frantically.
Josh: Where’s DMD?
David waltzes on in DMD dance.
Marans (as lunchlady Marina): Hey, who is Toran today?Ezra: Marina, we are already on the van.
Marina: Oh, so you think that since you are on the van, you don't have to do Toranut?
Kirby: Yeah.
Marina: That is not acceptable. Here, take some leftover borekasim. Pini…
Marans (as Pini, smoking multiple cigarettes): Hey Marina, bring me the…
Josh: Ready!
Pantomime van driving really fast.
Josh [warming up to driver]: Hey driver! Would you like some of the leftover borekasim? Huh? Huh?
[Driver takes] Suddenly everyone leans right, leans left, falls off seats to the right.
Benjamin (panicking): What's going on? What's going on?
Micah [very sarcastic pessimistic indifferent]: Oh, it’s probably nothing. Probably just the driver had a heart attack from all the oil in that borekasim and we’re all gonna crash and die and whatever.
Everyone screams. Sudden stop. Panting.
Kirby: We’ve stopped!
Ilan [singing]: Tov Meod!
Josh peers out, looks around
Josh: Hey guys, I think we’re… Josh hand thing, introducing big topic
All: LOST!
Marans walks on with a sign “lost” in English.
Ezra: Or in Hebrew, “לוסט”!
Marans flips over sign to show "לוסט"
Ilan: Marans, where have you been?
Marans: Sorry, I got caught up.
Ilan: You missed the whole first scene.
Marans: Oh yeah, sorry. What did I miss?
Ilan: We’re lost.
Marans: Oh. Sababa.
Ezra raises his hand.
Micah: Ezra, there’s no teacher here.
Ezra continues to raise hand
Micah: Um, OK, “yes Ezra”?
Ezra: I just learned this case in the g’mara, about murder by boreikas on a donkey. [Goes into g’mara tune. And hand motions.] Iiiiiif the כלי was less than כדי להמית בו, or it wasn’t edible to begin with, than he’s פטור, because he used it שלא כדרכה. From this, Rabbi Yehuda says, there are borekasim that cannot be eaten. But iiiiiiif (Ilan comes in harmonizing) the borkeikas could be eaten, and the murder had intent, then the question becomes כח-כחו.
Yehuda comes in Bass – “Koach Kocho”
Short song, in harmony:
Ilan: But what about the Tosfot
David Zvi: Tosfot (3rd)Yoni: Tosfot (5th)
Yehuda: Tosfot (7th)
Benjamin (non singing): Tosfot!
Marans: So guys, what’s the conclusion?
David Zvi: It’s a מחלוקת, I think.
Micah: Wait, do you really know or are you just saying that to sound like you know what you’re talking about?
David Zvi: It’s a מחלוקת. It’s always a מחלוקת.
Yoni takes a big stick and starts carving in the ground.
Marans: Yoni. Dude. What are you doing?
Yoni: oh, I just have to write this down for my blog.
David has been standing off to the side the whole time. Suddenly:
David [very slowly] : Hey guys. Where are we?
Micah: Um, you serious? Our bus driver died from a fatal oil induced heart attack and we’re lost.
David: Oh. [Another long pause.] Big smile. Cool.
Yehuda: Hey guys! I found something!
David Zvi: Yeah, it looks like an inscription!
Ezra: Or in Hebrew, אינצקריפציה!
Josh: What does it say?
Yehuda (reading): “Aaron Abramson finished the gmara here. Eighth time through. Shana Aleph."
Benjamin: I wonder what kind of barbarians live in this place.
Suddenly, Weiler, shirtless and painted in mud (chocolate sauce) jumps out with a huge knife and starts mumbling and pointing at things.
Yoni: Whoa. How long have YOU been here.
Weiler mumbles. Points to random things.
Kirby: I don’t think he speaks English. Whoa.
Josh [in “I’m the man” Josh mode]: Guys, I’ll handle this.
Walks up to Weiler.
Josh: (a bunch of "like"s, "you know"s, and tongue clicks)
Weiler mumbles more and points randomly.
Josh: (more "like"s, "you know"s, and tongue clicks)
Weiler mumbles more.
Josh (to the group): He says there is plenty of nourishment in this place and a short search around the island should prove fruitful.
Everyone stares.
Josh: So guys, let’s split up and look!
Everyone runs off, except Micah, Kirby and Yehuda.
Micah: Anybody want to watch a movie?
Kirby: Cool!
Yehuda: How?
Micah: On my computer--
Enter Israeli Eitan.
Eitan: HeyamericansisitallrightifIborrowyourcomputertowatchamoviethanksbye. (takes the computer and leaves)
People start returning with stuff. DZ comes back with a Canadian flag Josh comes back with lots of refet T-shirts.
Ilan (returning with lots of hats): Look, I’m Chilean. Look, I’m Che Guevera. Look, I have lots of hair. Look, I have no hair. I feel so alive.
David Zvi (with a Canadian flag): Wow, this changes everything. There may be people like me in this place.
Dream-look. Weiler, Benjamin, and Marans, come on with red Smile at audience. Then exit (beards off).
Josh (with Refet T-shirts): Guys, I don’t think any of this is gonna help.
Benjamin [runs on]: Hey y’all I found something really good!
Kirby: What?
Ilan: Where is it?
Benjamin: Wait, it’s here somewhere. Suddenly jerks and jumps really high. Pants and sighs finally. Reaches into pocket and pulls out a cell phone. Yeah, here it is. Wow, I can’t escape.
Yehuda: Who is it?
Jamin: He hung up. I think someone here is out to get me...
David comes on dancing randomly.
Josh: Hey David, what did you find?
David looks at him: [Long silence, and big smile.] Huh?
Ilan: You were supposed to be looking for food!
David [long pause] [slowly]: Oh. Yeah?
David Zvi: David, what’s the weather like on your planet?
David [stares at him a while, big smile]: It’s good.
Ezra comes on really excited
Ezra: Guys! Guess what! I finally found the meaning of life! It’s so simple. There are no problems or anything! I know why everything exists and I can reduce the gmara to five simple equations! I have no more questions and you don’t have to either! Just listen –
Yoni comes running in:
Yoni: Hey guys! I found lots of cucumbers.
Everyone cheers and flocks to Yoni.
Ezra: אני לא מסקים!
Weiler comes bounding on with his steak knife and a Barney stuffed animal..
Micah: FOOD!
Everyone cheers.
DZ: STAM! It’s not kosher.
Weiler stops. Shrugs. Throws boar out and goes for Benjamin with his knife.
Benjamin: No! What’re you doing! You’re not making any sense!
Weiler shrugs and backs off, muttering “bad weiler, bad bad bad weiler”. Benjamin continues ranting, more and more panicky.
Benjamin: None of this makes sense! No, I don’t get it! Ah AH What am I doing here??
Ilan and Yehuda try to restrain him, but he throws them to the ground
Benjamin: NO! I CAN’T! AHHH!!!!
Benjamin runs off into the woods with the wild boar over his head. Jumps at edge of stage.
Benjamin: Ah! My phone!
Runs off.
Ezra: Listen, why can’t you guys appreciate deep conversation about the meaning of life? You know what, this means war!
Ezra pulls out sunglasses and assumes a "Matrix" position on one foot. He stands on one side against everyone else.
Ezra: Yeah, I’ll beat you all, and I’ll do it על רגל אחת!!
Yoni: You mean ואהבת לרעך כמוך?
Everyone stares at him.
Weiler: CHARGE!
Action theme music. Yehuda runs at Ezra in slow-motion. At the last moment Ezra sticks out his ribs in a giant stretch and Yehuda misses and goes flying offstage.
Ilan: Careful! He has no back!
Josh runs up and does Josh hands. Ezra deflects with thumb maneuver and throws Josh aside.
Ezra: תמיד למדתי את זה בתיכון!
SLOW MOTION: Whole group starts throwing things. David starts dancing. Ilan conducts the throwing. Ezra bends over backwards Matrix style, and dodges it all.
Yoni: Oh no! What do we do now?
Suddenly, a howling from the back.
Yehuda: What’s that?
Kirby: It can’t be!
David Zvi: It’s too horrible!
Ilan: It is! It’s Eitan Slotnick!!
Howl again
Josh: Let’s get out of here!
Everyone runs off, except David, who keeps dancing.
[Rav Yossi, Eitan's father, comes wearing his son's kippa, with chocolate sauce smeared over his face]
David [dances for a while. Suddenly stops, looks down]: Hey Eitan. [pause] Want a candy?
Eitan: OK.
David pulls lollipop out of his afro and gives it to Eitan. Then pulls one out for himself, pops it in and starts dancing off stage. Almost off, and Marans runs in
Marans: Oh man, sorry I’m late again. What did I miss?
David [pause]: Hey. I think the play’s over.
Marans: Oh yeah. I’m cool with that, I’m cool. Sababa.
The two of them dance off, David- style.
END
posted by Yoni Bain | 12:01 PM
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