Of Perception and Prisms (Part II)

For the first eighteen years of my life, religion served as a prism, a mechanism through which to view of daily life. I could be Jewish, and still partake in the everyday American life. In other words, the two were not mutually exclusive. I kept Shabbat, and also played basketball. I ate kosher foods, and also acted in plays. I wore tfillin, and also watched TV. For my childhood, religion served as a way to enhance the everyday life that is the American world.
But at yeshiva, things have been different. From 6:30 to 22:30 (that’s 10:30 p.m.), I’m in one of three places: in the Bet Midrash learning, in the dining room eating, or in my room trying to make up some lost sleep. Here, I feel that the focus of life has been shifted from looking through the prism to the prism itself. At least in high school I had something to balance with my Judaic studies, be it other academics such as math and science, or other activities such as drama and newspaper. Here, it’s learning all day.
This is not to say that the classes are not inherently valuable. I honestly think they are. But learning all day is difficult, and not just because of the language barrier, which is (very very very slowly) starting to disappear. I continue to ask myself: Am I learning for a purpose, or am I learning to learn?
(There are responses/clichés that I always consider, only sometimes successfully, such as “this is a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity” “it just takes some getting used to” or “you’re learning information and skills that you will use for the rest of your life.” Whenver I consider these, by the way, it’s always the voices of my parents in my head. But I think the two most important comforts I take are “if it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it” and the related “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” Although I wouldn’t be surprised if I die of a cucumber overdose.)
Even though Rav Yossi and everyone else predicted that the first few weeks/months would be difficult, it is still maddening and frustrating at times. The problems I mentioned previously, such as language and social differences, my gmara inexperience, and long hours, manage to compound the issue of “Perception and the Prism.” Am I learning to learn, or learning to live? Hopefully, I can learn to learn to live. Or, in other words, make the most of my time in solitary confinement, learning on top of the mountain, in Hebrew, in the middle of nowhere, day and night. Let’s hope this works out for the best.