Cavemen: Visiting Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob

The fifth night of Chanukah

One day I plan to list the many things I would like to do in life, such as learning to fence, brewing my own apple cider, and visiting all fifty states (I am up to 12, and I’ve stopped in transit in 4 others). Then, I would derive great satisfaction from crossing them off. Perhaps the first item on this list should be “actually writing the list.” One thing I can safely cross off that potential list is “riding in a bulletproof car.” And let me tell you, I don’t think it should have been on the list to begin with.

Today we took a bulletproof van to visit Rachel’s Tomb and the Cave of the Forefathers (known in Hebrew as Ma’arat HaMachpelah, and known in some circles as the Cave of Wonders, some circles being Daniel and Matthew Bain). The bulletproof feature ensured that we were not attacked by evildoers, or if we were, that the bullet would ricochet off the van and hit the evildoer instead. While the security feature was nice, we the passengers were sickened by hours of stale air, as opening a window was obviously impossible. Even now, some of us are still bulletproof-carsick.

The two sites were intriguing, places that I had never seen on my previous visits to Israel. The first stop was the tomb of Rachel, where her husband Jacob buried her on his way home from Laban's house. Today, people gather at her tomb to pray for children, as Rachel was barren before praying and conceiving, yielding Joseph and Benjamin (Although I should say that Rachel did die in childbirth). Today, many people were praying, some reciting special prayers. I considered reading one of these, but since they are for women who are praying for a child, I figured this wasn’t for me… yet. Wait, scratch that last part.

The next stop was the Cave of the Forefathers (Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Rebeccah, Jacob, and Leah are buried there). Our guide was named Russell; that’s what I called him, anyway, since he couldn’t pronounce the letters “r” or “s” (that becomes “Wuthel”). We learned some interesting facts about the place, saw the antechambers since access to the graves is impossible, and I photographed my grandma in a French Fry hat, named such after the cardboard container used to distribute French Fries at restaurants.

I won’t even write about Ben Yehuda Street, where we went for dinner; we've been there too often. However, I know that you all want to hear about “Lian Su Jiao Jian.” This is the movie that my brothers made over their Sukkot break, edited by Tzvi Kaplan. They have been telling me about this for months, dying to show me their cinematic masterpiece. Benjy ran out of time trying to burn a copy before his flight, so they had Sandra Braun bring a copy, which we picked up at the Gardner’s party last night. And after much hype, I will say that… well, there was a good Coldplay song in there. And the editing wasn’t half bad. And Josh Tabak performed with gusto. So there.

The movie is in the style of a Chinese action film, minus the cool weapons and crazily choreographed fight scenes. The film appears to be dubbed over in English, though I suspect the shooting was in High Gibberish. The film follows the theft and reclamation of a green glowing plastic sword (I think the title of the film means “plastic green glowing sword”) in a China suspiciously like 2112 Duxbury Circle. I think the important thing is that they had fun. Right?

On a totally unrelated note, Grandpa Harry and Golda flew in today, as did Rachel Samuels. So now the family is here, ready to go.

Tonight, as evidenced in the headline above, is the fifth night of Chanukah. But when I came downstairs to light my menorah, I saw that someone else had already been there; yes, there were candles already burning in my candelabrum! I briefly considered countermeasures, such as calling security, blowing out the candles and making a wish, and counting those as my candles, as they were in my menorah. Eventually, we decided to just use one of the hotel’s cheap sets. Whatever.

Happy Holidays.